And I know the truth.
I’m going to wreck Mama.
But not as Emery …
Because Emery doesn’t exist.
Chapter Nineteen
I skip breakfast and escape to the one place I can find peace. Grandma tries to stop me and tell me to at least take a granola bar, but my appetite is diminished by the truth embedded in the walls that surround me.
It isn’t like the concept of pain is foreign to me, pain is a constant in my life—the one thing my body is used to. But the feeling in my chest is deeper than anything my disease can cause, despite it being the very reason for the ache in the first place. Nobody wants to break their Mama’s heart…
When I see Lo’s grave, my heart gives into the hurt. The stone is clean, not a speck of grass, dirt, or bird poop on it like last time. The area around it is kept up unlike the lawn surrounding the house. Someone has been here, maybe even Mama.
Dropping on the uneven ground, I run my fingertips over the edge of the smooth marble before tracing the letters of her name. They’re rougher, the indentations causing my skin discomfort, but I pay it no attention.
Logan Olivia Matterson.
Beloved daughter, sister, and friend.
I drop my hands into my lap and just stare at the stone like something will happen. Maybe if I believe hard enough, I’ll see Logan. It can be like one of the books I’ve read where the loved ones get a second chance with the deceased.
“This isn’t a book,” I whisper to myself.
The breeze picks up and causes me to wrap my coat tighter around me. There hasn’t been any snowfall yet, which seems odd for early November. At least here. Dad told me that they don’t get nearly as much snow in Exeter.
I settle on my butt, crossing my legs under me and stuffing my hands in my coat pockets. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for a while. I decided to live with Dad for the rest of junior and senior year.”
Shifting on the ground, I chip at a stain on my jeans. “I know you’re probably wondering why I’d want to do that after what he did, but…” I shake my head. “Actually, you’re probably not. You’ve always been forgiving of people. I guess it doesn’t really matter, huh?”
I’m not sure why I pause like she can respond. Sighing, I glance at my ragged nails from my constant picking and biting. “Dad tries, so I can’t really fault him for anything. You would have told me it isn’t worth holding a grudge over. Anyway, he’s got a new wife and stepson and they’re … nice.”
The wind blows a little harder, then dies down completely until nothing but bitter air remains as usual. I wonder if that’s Lo telling me to keep talking.
Licking my lips, I say, “Our stepmom’s name is Cameron, but she goes by Cam. Dad really seems to love her. I don’t think I ever saw him look at Mama the same way. She cares, Lo. She knows about us, about you, and she wants to help however she can. She even took me to get my hair cut.”
I drag in a deep breath. The air hurts my lungs, but I suck it up. “Sometimes I wish that Mama would come visit me there, or call more, or…just be there like Cam is. She misses you so much, Logan. She’s hurting and I can’t fix her. It takes one little reminder that I’m sick for her to spiral, and I know that means being here won’t do her any good.
“Kaiden, Cam’s son, made me wonder if I was being selfish by going away, but I realize now I’m not. Hopefully you can forgive me. I know I promised I wouldn’t leave you, but you would have too if you saw Mama.”
There’s no wind.
No subtle breeze.
I hold my breath.
Selfish people don’t put anybody first.
Selfish people don’t sacrifice everything.
They never come second.
They never feel torment.
My torment is in a five-foot-five form with blonde hair streaked with silver and mossy green eyes filled with sadness in every crevice. I want to believe facing the torment means building my strength, when really it tears me down a little more each day.
Because Mama is selfish.