Lo was always the stronger one of us.
No matter how bad I want to cry now, I won’t. The stress of Dad not understanding how much his words hurt, or how little he seems to care about my disease, can’t deter me from being strong. Lo would tell me to smile and then force me to do something fun to distract myself from Mama or anything that upset me.
Now’s no different.
I busy myself with school, homework, and books. A few times a week, I even leave and explore the different stores within walking distance. Most of them are café corporations instead of the homey, retro kind that I’m used to going to with Mama and Grandma. It took me walking into Starbucks once to realize I prefer the isolation of rural nowhere.
Sometimes I miss Mama, but the old version of her. The one who loved smiling with her non-golden eyes. She was the person I looked up to, but I can’t find myself doing the same now. Not because I don’t love her, but because I can’t hate her like I wish I did. It would make the guilt go away faster.
Being here makes it easier to forget about how Mama reacted. Dad acts like he doesn’t care, Kaiden doesn’t know, and Cam plays dumb. At first, I hated them for pretending everything is okay when I know it isn’t. The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s a blessing in disguise. I don’t have to be that girl—the sick one.
I can be Emery.
Book nerd.
Teacher’s pet.
Weird shoe lover.
Realistically, though, I know it can’t last.
It didn’t for Logan.
Rachel joins me for lunch on Thursday. We spend most of the time not saying anything, just eating while people stare. Since Kaiden’s show of dominance, nobody dares even sit at the same table as me. Much to Rachel’s dismay, Kaiden pays us no attention from where he sits with his teammates which I’m sure is why she disobeyed his wishes to leave me alone.
I want to ask her about herself, pretend to care. For some reason, I can’t muster the energy to. Usually, I can put on an act. Smile and play nice like Mama taught me. I don’t have to be that person here, so I don’t waste my time.
Rachel doesn’t seem to mind.
She rambled on about some fight between a few basketball players. I think it had to do with one of them getting caught with pot in their locker which ended in a game suspension, but I don’t know. I only half listen because I don’t want anyone to think I’m feeding into her game.
She can use me to make Kaiden jealous, but it won’t work. At school, he and I have nothing to do with each other. At home, we only exchange a few small conversations here and there. There’s nothing she can gain from hanging around me.
After lunch, Kaiden falls into step with me as I head to my next class. People catch notice and watch us, making me uncomfortable.
“Have a good time with Rach?”
“Jealous?”
He laughs. “Definitely not.”
Figured.
I stop at my locker. “She has it in her mind that getting close to me will somehow cement your relationship.”
He leans his shoulder against the neighboring locker. It makes the black t-shirt he’s wearing stretch across his taut muscles that some girls ogle in passing. “We’re not in a relationship. Never have been.”
Grabbing my afternoon books, I turn to him with a raised brow. “You might want to let her know that.”
“She knows.”
I say nothing.
Pushing himself off the locker, he shoves his hands in his pockets. “Things at home have been weird. We should go to the cemetery after school.”
Weird how? We go home and go our separate ways. Sometimes he’ll comment on English class or complain about the homework. Occasionally he’ll show up at my bedroom door and ask if I want to go to the tree. Nothing seems out of the ordinary or strange, save our parent’s façade of normalcy.
I’m used to parents acting though. My parents could win an Oscar for most believable roles in the movie called life.