* * *
THE NEXT FEW DAYS ARE a blur. I walk around in a daze, alternating between wanting to cry and wanting to hit something. How does someone go from, “Be with me, Allie,” to breaking it off in a matter of days? I haven’t heard from Jess since he told me to leave. Honestly, I’m glad he hasn’t come back. Sleeping in his bed, surrounded by his scent, his belongings, his family is bad enough. Staying under the same roof is not an option.
When Halston and I got back to Lo’s house, she knew something was up. My eyes were bloodshot, and my heart was broken. She asked where Jess was and I was conflicted, not knowing how much I should divulge, but Halston had no such qualms about telling her every detail from where we found him to where he was staying.
Halston stayed with me that night and has been glued to my side since, as if she’s waiting for me to lose my shit. Even Dylan seems worried, watching me like a ticking timebomb that’s seconds from exploding. But I’m fine. This was just fun. We always knew this thing had an expiration date.
File that under lies I tell myself.
* * *
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR has Crystal peeling her ass off the couch to open it. The second she turns the knob, the door flies open, revealing Lo, who’s clearly on a rampage if the look on her face is anything to go by. Thanks a lot, Allie.
“You,” she says, pointing her finger in Crystal’s face. “I should have known you were at the root of all of this.”
“It’s nice to see you too, Logan.” Crystal says, making her way back over to the couch, plopping down beside me before reaching for the pack of cigarettes on the coffee table and lighting one up.
Lo huffs out a bitter laugh, eyeing the both of us. “Two peas in a fuckin’ pod.”
I grit my jaw, leaning back into the couch as I take a swig from the bottle of Jack in my hand.
“So, what? This is what you threw your future away for? So you could sit around and get drunk with Crystal?” Lo paces the floor in front of us. “Well, shit, Jess! We didn’t even have to leave Oakland for that. And you,” she says, directing her attention back to Crystal, “I know you’re not exactly known for your virtue, but do you not have an iota of maternal instincts? Are you so pathetic and selfish that you’re willing to ruin your son’s life for your own gain?”
“He loves his mother,” Crystal yells, standing. “Nothing wrong with that. Unlike your ungrateful ass.”
“Shut the fuck up, Crystal. I feel responsible for you, but I don’t love you. There’s a difference.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lo asks, hurt flashing in her eyes.
I shrug. “You paid your dues.”
Her expression softens, and she tilts her head to the side. “It’s not too late, Jess. Come home. Right now. Let’s get in the car and go. Whatever it is, we can fix this.”
Lo’s eyes bore into me, pleading. I take another swig, averting my eyes. I want to. I want to go beg Allie to take me back and forget everything I said. But I’ve fucked everything up so badly, I can’t see a way out.
“You’re a fighter, Jess. You always have been. It’s all you’ve ever known. But right now? You’re fighting for the wrong fucking thing. Fight for you. Hell, fight for Allie. But don’t waste another second fighting for her,” she says, gesturing toward Crystal, her voice resigned. “You don’t owe her a goddamn thing.”
When I don’t respond, she takes that as her answer and walks out the door.
“Always has had a flair for the dramatic,” Crystal remarks, blowing out a plume of smoke between us. “Let her go.” She pats my knee. “She’s not like us, Jesse.”
“I’m nothing like you,” I spit.
Crystal lets out a cackle that morphs into a cough. “Look around you, baby. You’re exactly like me.”
Fuck. She’s right. I’ve done nothing but drown myself in booze and wallow in my misery since I’ve been here. Suddenly, I feel like the walls are closing in on me. My throat feels tight and beads of sweat form at my hairline.
This wasn’t supposed to be my life. Lo’s right. I don’t know if anything is fixable, but I do know that I don’t want this.
* * *
Two weeks later
TODAY IS MY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY. It’s also the first anniversary of the worst day of my life.
I tried to go about my day as if it were any other, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to school. I couldn’t bring myself to face Halston and Dylan—who have already flooded me with calls and messages. Even my mom tried to call me. And I couldn’t face Lo, who knows nothing of the significance of today, but knows Jess and I aren’t together. I threw my phone facedown onto the floor, grabbed my headphones, turned them all the way up, and started walking.
I didn’t know where I was going. I don’t know how long I wandered before I found myself standing in front of the cemetery gates. Suddenly, the guilt was overwhelming. My dad was in there, rotting in the ground all alone, and I haven’t visited him once.