How I wish I’d not let my thoughts become so irrational back when we were married. I wished I’d given Alex a chance to be there for me. To fight with me. Instead, I’d focused on how much of a burden I would be and run.
But worse than that was keeping Kayden away from Alex. That was unforgivable.
The offices of doctors occupied half of the third floor. We walked up to the reception desk and introduced ourselves.
“Oh yes,” she said. “Doctor Mueller is waiting for you. He said to show you in as soon as you got here.”
Alex turned to me. “Do you want me to go in with you?”
“Yes please,” I said, my belly twisted in knots.
We followed the smartly dressed middle aged lady to a door on the other side. She held it open and beckoned us in.
I couldn’t see his features well but I could make out his graying hair and I made him out to be in his early sixties or so. He stood up and introduced himself. Alex introduced us then he and the doctor caught up about mutual friends.
“Please sit down,” he said.
He got right into it, asking me questions and jotting down some notes.
“We’re going to treat this like a new problem without considering your past diagnosis. That means that we’ll do a myriad of tests and take it from there. How does that sound?”
He had a reassuring manner about him. An authoritative yet gentle voice and a manner that made me feel that I was in safe hands. “Sounds good.”
The next couple of hours passed by behind machines and eye drops. None of the tests were invasive and I was relaxed throughout. When we were done, Dr. Mueller told us to return on Thursday for the results, which was perfect as we were leaving for Amy’s wedding on Friday afternoon.
“I liked him,” I told Alex on the way back. “Thank you I really appreciate your help. I know it must have been difficult to get an appointment that fast.”
“You’re welcome,” he said.
We talked about the wedding a little. I admitted to Alex how excited I was and nervous.
“Why nervous?” he asked.
“Amy emailed me last night. She decided to invite my sister and her family at the last minute and she’d accepted the invitation.”
I loved Amy but sometimes I wanted to strangle her. I wasn’t sure whether a wedding was the right place to reconnect with my sister. I’d hurt her deeply and I didn’t know how she would react to seeing me again.
I didn’t deserve a second chance with her.
“Good. You need to be surrounded by people who love you,” he said.
Are you one of those people? I knew that he loved me as a friend, but what I craved was to be loved like a woman. I’d missed that side of my life.
Charlotte
Back in Woodfield, we stopped by Lulu’s place to pick Kayden up. Alex went with me to the door and when Kayden saw him, he shrieked and ran to him. Alex grabbed him and lifted him up and held him close.
He kissed Kayden’s forehead and then held him close again. My heart galloped in my chest. Had he somehow found out?
I thanked Lulu for keeping Kayden and also took the opportunity to ask her about the following Thursday. As always, she refused my offer to pay for the two days.
“We moms have to help each other out,” she said and handed me Kayden’s bag.
In the car, nausea swirled in my belly. I wracked my mind and tried to remember how Alex had behaved that morning when he came to pick us up. I’d been busy making sure that I’d packed everything Kayden would need for the day so I hadn’t paid much attention.
“We’re home, son,” he said and my heart stopped.
I turned and met his gaze. I was the first to move. I grabbed the door and opened it. The nausea rose up my throat. I sprinted to the side of the house, away from view and bent down to throw up.
Oh God! How had he figured it out? The only person who knew was Amy and I knew her loyalty was to me first. Even if she did tell Alex, she would warn me first. Alex was a smart guy. I’d been fooling myself that I could hide Kayden’s paternity for long.
As a lawyer, he was used to putting parts of a puzzle together. I wanted to kick myself for not telling him before he found out by himself. Now, he would never believe that I had planned on telling him.
Alex and Kayden were already in the house and I followed them in and headed straight to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth and then to the bedroom to freshen up. I could hear Alex and Kayden’s voices coming from the bathroom.