It was easy to believe that I carried bad luck with me when I remembered the carefree young man Alex had been the day we met. I remembered his smiling open face. His excitement as he spoke about working at his father’s law firm. He rarely spoke about it and I wondered if he was happy there.
I rounded the corner and saw them at the front of the house and I slowed down to watch them. Alex was pushing Kayden on his tricycle in circles. They looked so serious and so alike and at that moment I knew that soon I needed to make a decision.
Maybe I would tell him when we went for Amy’s wedding. Cowardice, I knew. There, we would be surrounded by people and I wouldn’t have to face Alex’s anger. He was an awesome dad and he enjoyed teaching Kayden new things. He would feel cheated and betrayal but I hoped that when I explained all of it, he might be able to understand. Forgiveness that was something else.
“Hi,” I said and strolled towards them.
I tensed as I waited for Alex’s reaction.
He looked up and nodded at me politely as if I was his employer. And an unfriendly one at that. I bent down to kiss Kayden.
“Mama,” he said grinning. He gripped the tricycle handles tighter. “Bike.”
“And you’re riding it!” I said and clapped for him.
Kayden let go of the handles and clapped along. That cracked a smile from Alex who joined us in clapping and cheering.
“How was your day?” I asked.
“It was good. We had a ball, right buddy?”
“Ball,” Kayden said and scrambled off of the tricycle and waddled into the house in search of a ball.
We laughed and followed him.
“Coffee?” I asked when we entered the house.
“Why don’t I make the coffee and you can give Kayden his milk and see if he’ll nap,” he said. “I think I might have excited him too much with the tricycle.”
“It doesn’t matter. That smile on his face is worth a delayed nap.”
I washed my hands, prepared Kayden’s cup and managed to carry him and his ball to the couch. We settled down and within seconds of starting to drink his milk he was dozing and I had to keep jolting him awake to finish his milk.
Alex returned with the coffee as I was placing the empty cup on the table. He chuckled at the sight of Kayden falling asleep clutching his ball. “Do you want me to carry him to his crib?”
“Okay, thanks.”
He gently lifted Kayden from my arms and carried him to the bedroom. As I watched them disappear, I was flooded by gratitude for Alex’s presence in my life. He had been a rock at a time when I needed one.
That one week had both saddened me and at the same time brought joy into my life. Joy because Kayden was lucky to have a dad like Alex. Patient, loving and playful. The kind of daddy that every little boy should have.
My sadness came from the wall that had grown between us. I’d tried making conversation but Alex was not interested. I missed the conversations we had in the evenings and, I know this made me a shallow person, but I missed making love with Alex.
I ached to have his strong arms around me and his lips on mine, kissing me with everything he had. Alex returned to the living room as I was squeezing my thighs together to keep the heat from spreading.
“I should go,” he said.
“Please stay, I’m making steak for dinner.” I swallowed hard.
He contemplated it for a few seconds, his cobalt blue eyes intense and trained on me. I trembled as heat whipped through me. I really, really wanted him to stay. As aroused as I was, the main reason I wanted Alex to stay was because I owed him an apology.
I had caused a lot more damage to the man I loved the most on the planet. It didn’t matter that my reasons had been noble and well intentioned. I knew now that I had broken his heart.
But even worse, I had kept his son from him. I could have tried much harder to find him. And now, I was just plain scared to tell him. I was frightened of his reaction and I was afraid of losing my Kayden. I couldn’t think clearly enough to make a decision.
Maybe when we went to the lodge for Amy’s wedding, I would tell him then. The more I thought about it, the more appealing the idea became. We would be surrounded by people and I wouldn’t have to face Alex’s wrath.
One thing was for sure, he was going to be mad and rightly so.
“Can’t say no to a steak,” he said and collapsed on the couch.
“Long day?” I asked with a giggle.