“Did you look in the backyard?”
“Yeah,” Morelli said. “No one's in the backyard. It's wall-to-wall mud. I think if I keep turning the hose on it no one will dig there.”
“That's weird,” I said, “because I could swear I hear digging-”
Morelli listened. “It doesn't sound like digging. It's more like drilling and ... oh shit.”
“What?”
Morelli was on his feet. “That's a jackhammer.”
I followed Morelli to the kitchen and down the cellar stairs. Mooner was wailing away at the concrete floor with a pickax, and Lula had a jackhammer propped against her belly. She gave the jackhammer a blast of juice, and I was afraid her breasts were going to break loose from their moorings and knock her out. Gary and Zook were in a corner, mesmerized by the spectacle.
“This is my basement floor,” Morelli yelled. “You can't just go into a man's house and jackhammer his floor!”
Lula jiggled to a stop. “Well, excuse me. It's not like we weren't gonna share the money with you.”
“There's no sharing,” Morelli said. “The money was stolen.”
“It was over ten years ago,” Lula said. “Isn't there some kind of time limit and then it's finders keepers losers weepers?”
“No,” Morelli said. “Where'd you get the jackhammer?”
“I sort of borrowed it.”
“Oh great,” he said. “A hot jackhammer.”
“Its a Saturday. You can borrow these things on a Saturday,” Lula said.
“This is a lot of floor to demo,” Morelli said. “And after we demo the floor, we still don't know where to dig.”
“Guess that's why there were directions,” Lula said. “Probably it was like a treasure map. Seven paces north and two paces west and the treasure is buried under the piece of floor with the X marked on it.”
“I thought you had an appointment with your lawyer,” I said to Lula.
“Yeah, I guess I better get going.” She turned to Morelli. “You want me to come back and jackhammer some more when I'm done with the lawyer?”
“No,” Morelli said. “But I appreciate the offer.”
“So, like, now what?” Mooner asked Morelli. “This is majorly disappointing. I was counting on some moola, man. Like, being a griefer doesn't pay a lot, you know what I mean? And a man has needs, right? Like, what happens when I have a craving for a Big Mo candy bar or a crab puff?”
“Here's a deal,” Morelli said. “I could use some security in the house. Suppose I pay you guys to protect the house. That means you have to keep people from digging in my yard, pickaxing my basement, spray-painting my dog ...”
“Whoa, cool,” Mooner said. “And how about the Zook-duder and me? Can we do those things?”
“No,” Morelli said. “You have to protect the house from everyone, including yourselves.”
“How much?” Zook asked.
“Five dollars a day.”
“No way,” Zook said.
“Ten.”
“Twenty,” Zook said. “Apiece.”
“Ten,” Morelli said. “Apiece.”