“No!” I told him. “You're gonna have to hold it. Everyone get in their places. Valerie, you stand next to me. And Albert, you stand next to Diesel.”
The justice of the peace jumped into action and whipped out his little book with the ceremony in it.
Lula snapped a picture and my mother started crying.
Albert stood rooted to the spot, his face white but his cheeks stained red. Diesel grabbed Albert by the back of his suit jacket and dragged him to his side, so we were all four in a row.
“Are we ready to begin?” the justice asked.
“Yes,” I said, “but we need to change places. This is actually going to be Valerie's and Albert's wedding.”
Albert went down to his knees, and Diesel yanked him up to his feet, still holding tight to Albert's jacket.
The justice started reading from his script. “Dearly beloved—”
“Skip ahead to the I do part,” I said to the justice.
The justice thumbed over a couple pages in his book.
“I'm going to be sick,” Albert said.
“Dude,” Diesel said. “Suck it up.”
Albert went down to his knees again. “I got this thing about weddings.”
“You were okay when you thought it was mine,” Diesel said. “Just pretend it's mine.”
“I can't pretend,” Albert said. “I'm no good at pretending.”
“We could have a double wedding,” Valerie said. “Simultaneous. Then Albert could concentrate on being the best man.”
I felt another hive break out on my chin. “I need my salve,” I said. “Somebody get me some salve.”
“It's not a bad idea,” Annie said. “The universe would rest easier if Diesel was married.”
“I'm not marrying Diesel!” I told Annie.
“Hey” Diesel said, “a lot of women would give anything to snag me.”
“I'm not a lot of women.”
“No shit,” Diesel said. He shifted Albert from one hand to the other. “Can we get on with it? This guys getting heavy.”
“Would you really marry me?” I asked Diesel.
“Not forever, but a night might be fun.”
Good grief.
“I'm confused,” my father said. “Who's getting married?”
“Albert and Valerie are getting married,” I said. I turned to Albert. “Here's the choice. You can go through this with your eyes open, or I can go get my stun gun, and you can get married with your eyes closed and your body twitching on the floor. My sister is pregnant again, and I'm going to make sure she's married.”
Albert's mouth was open and his eyes were glazed.
“I'm going to take this as a choice to keep eyes open,” I said to the justice of the peace. “Start reading. And hurry up.”
“Do you—” the justice said to Albert.