“Annie didn't want to go far, so they set a meeting for a coffee house half a block away. When she got there, they snatched her,” Bernie said.
“Why didn't you take your purse?” I asked Annie.
“I was just walking down the street for a couple minutes,” Annie said. “I had some money and my key in my pocket, and I thought I had my phone, but it must have fallen out of my pocket somewhere. I didn't think I needed anything more than that.”
“They brought us to Delvina's summer house on the river,” Bernie said. “That was Saturday night. They chained us up, and I went sort of gonzo, and everyone broke out in hives, including me. Then Delvina and his two goons packed up and left. I guess they didn't know what to make of the hives. And then the next morning, Delvina and some other guy showed up and started asking about the necklace, but every time they'd come near us the hives would get worse and pretty soon they couldn't stand it anymore and went away. Good thing we were chained to the bathroom, and the chain was long enough to reach to the refrigerator in the kitchen. They came back this morning and next thing, you rescued us.”
“How are my last five cases?” Annie asked. “Are they all going to have a good Valentine's Day? Are they on their way to love everlasting?”
“I don't know about the love everlasting,” I said. “But I'm pretty sure they'll all have a good Valentine's Day. Except for Albert Kloughn. Kloughn is last up.”
“Oh dear,” Annie said, “it's getting late.”
“Not to worry. I have a plan.” I looked over at Bernie. “You've stopped scratching,” I said to him.
“I'm too tired to scratch.”
Too bad Bernie was so tired. I wouldn't mind driving him to a couple people I knew and spreading some hives around. For starters, there'd be my ex-husband, Dickie Orr, and my arch-nemesis, Joyce Barnhardt.
“I'm going to take you home to your wife,” Diesel said to Bernie. “I'm going to drop you off at the curb, and you're on your own.”
“You'll do no such thing,” Annie said. “You'll drive us to a drugstore so Bernie can get a Valentine's card and a box of candy. And then we'll all go in and make sure things run smoothly between Bernie and Betty.”
Annie had good intentions, but I was starting to think she came from the Planet Ick!
“I heard that,” Diesel said to me.
“Did not.”
“Did so.”
“It was a thought!”
“And?”
“It's almost noon,” I said to Annie and Diesel. “You can drop me off at my apartment on your way to Bernie's house in Hamilton Township. I need to check on Bob and get my car. Then I have to see if Lula needs a ride to get her Firebird out of impound. And I want to see how Jeanine and Charlene and Larry Burlew are doing. And last but not least, here's my plan for Kloughn and my sister. I thought I'd tell them I was getting married, and I needed them to be witnesses. I'll tell my parents and my grandmother the same thing. Then everyone will congregate at my parents' house. We'll get a justice of the peace to show up, and at the last minute we'll swap me out for Valerie and Albert Kloughn. I'm afraid if I don't fib to them someone will leak to Kloughn, and he'll be on a plane to Buenos Aires.”
“Brilliant,” Annie said. “I can facilitate the justice of the peace and the paperwork. I have very good connections for that sort of thing.”
Diesel looked down at me. “Who's going to be the bogus groom?”
“It's going to have to be you. You're all I've got today.”
“Do I get a conjugal night?”
“Afraid not,” I told him.
“We'll see,” Diesel said.
“We have a lot to accomplish,” Annie said. “We should get moving. We can take my car. We won't all fit in Diesel's Corvette.”
I called Valerie as soon as I got back to my apartment. “I'm getting married this afternoon,” I said to her. “I want you and Albert to be my witnesses.”
“Holy cow,” Valerie said. “This is so sudden. Who are you going to marry?”
“Diesel.”
Silence.