“I don't know how this happened. At first I was being careful. I didn't want to do it with just anyone, right? And then all of a sudden I was in my twenties, and it got embarrassing. I mean, how do you explain being twenty-five years old and never once finding a man who was good enough? And the older I got, the worse it became. It turns out virgins are only popular in high school and harems. No one wants to take responsibility for deflowering a thirty-five-year-old woman.”
“Jeez, who would have thought?”
“Yeah, knock me over with a feather. I'm telling you, I've really been trying lately, but I can't get anyone to do it. And now, I've found a man I really like. He's funny and he's kind and he's affectionate. I really think this could turn into something. He might even be the love of my life. Problem is, I have to keep finding excuses not to invite him in… like, my cat is sick, or my mother is visiting, or there's a gas leak.”
“All because you can't tell him you're a virgin?”
“Exactly. He'll run for the hills. They always do! God, I hate this stupid virginity. What a dumb idea, anyway. I mean, how the heck am I supposed to get rid of it?”
“Maybe a doctor could help you.”
“I thought of that, but that's only part of it.” She cracked her knuckles. “I don't know how to do it. I mean, I know where it goes and all, but I don't know the process. Like, do I just lay there? Or am I supposed to do something?”
“Usually you do what feels good.”
“What if it doesn't feel good? I'm thirty-five. I'm old to be starting out. What if it was use it or lose it? I need some instruction. Nothing fancy. I'd be happy with the basics. For instance, am I supposed to moan?”
“Men like it, but I find it distracting.”
Jeanine was gnawing on her bottom lip. “I don't think I can moan.”
“Are you sure you don't want to just talk this out with the guy you're dating?”
“I'd rather stick a fork in my eye.”
“Okay, hang in there, and I'll figure something out.”
I left Jeanine and trotted back to Diesel.
“You were in there long enough,” Diesel said. “What's her big problem?”
“She's a virgin.”
“No kidding?”
“Turns out after a certain age it's not that easy to get rid of your virginity. She said men head for the hills when they find out she's a virgin. Don't want the responsibility of being the first.”
“I could see that,” Diesel said.
“She thought maybe Annie sent you to do the job.”
Diesel grinned. “I could take a crack at it.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“What?” Diesel said.
“Men.”
Diesel grinned wider and ruffled my hair, and I slapped his hand away.
“Just trying to be helpful,” Diesel said.
“Jeanine has a boyfriend. She likes him a lot and doesn't want to lose him, but she's afraid he'll split when she tells him she's a virgin.”
“So don't tell him,” Diesel said. “Let him figure it out for himself after the deed is done.”
“That's sort of sneaky.”