'Everything checks out,' Connie said. 'Never been convicted of a crime, good credit. High school graduate. Waited tables for two years. The rest of her work history is on the line at a small brewery in Illinois. Relocated here two months ago, following her boyfriend. Twenty-eight years old.'
'You could start her in the office doing telephone work and computer searches,' I said. 'Then after she gets a feel for the job we can take her on some road trips.'
'Okay,' Connie said. If everyone's agreed, I'll call her and see if she can start tomorrow.'
'I'm getting restless,' Lula said. 'I feel like I need to go out and apprehend a scumbag.'
'Lonnie Johnson's still open, but I don't know where to begin with him,' I said.
'I'm chuffed over Caroline Scarzolli,' Lula said. 'We should have nabbed her. How does it look to get run over by a freaky old lady like that?'
'If we go back to the store she'll shoot us.'
'Not if we buy something.'
'No! I'm not buying any more dildos.'
'Don't have to be a dildo. They got lots of good stuff in that store. I might need a pair of panties.'
'Okay, fine,' I said. 'I'll wait in the car, and you can go in and buy panties.'
'I'm not just going for the panties,' Lula said. 'It's my cover. This here's serious shit. I'm gonna make an apprehension.'
I grabbed my shoulder bag and palmed my keys. 'I'll drive.'
I drove eyes forward, and I avoided checking the rearview mirror. If Ranger was following me to Pleasure Treasures, I preferred not to know. I parked on the street, two doors down from the store.
'I'm not going in,' I said. 'If she shoots you, you're going to have to drag your ass out the door, because I'm not going in to pick you up.'
'Hunh,' Lula said. 'I thought we were partners. How's that for a partner to act? I'd go in there for you. I'd walk on fire for you. I'd bitch-slap the devil for you. You wouldn't catch me sitting in no car if my partner goes into the danger zone. If it was you in there getting shot for upholding the law of this great land, I'd be there right behind you.'
'Oh for crissake,' I said, wrenching the door open. 'Just shut up. I'll go with you.'
Caroline looked up and narrowed her eyes when we walked in.
'We're just shopping today,' Lula said. 'I was real happy with my dildo, and I thought I'd come back and browse.'
'We've got a one-day special sale on electronics,' Caroline said. 'In case you're interested.'
'I might be interested,' Lula said. 'I had a Madam Orgasmo, but I burned out the motor.'
I made an unsuccessful attempt to choke back a snort of nervous laughter. I turned my back on Lula and made a show of being engrossed in a display of erotic oils. There was Lickit and Luvitt Chocolate Love Cream. Kama Sutra Slick, rub it and it gets hot, blow on it and it gets hotter. Spank Me Peppermint Cooling Cream. Pleasure Jelly to minimize friction and avoid irritation, enriched with vitamin E and completely edible.
Here's the thing about all this stuff… some of it I thought looked like fun. And truth was, I wouldn't have minded if Joe brought some of it home. I just felt like an idiot buying it for myself.
'She's got some good electronics,' Lula said to me. 'You want to come take a look?'
'No, that's okay,' I said. 'I'm trying to decide on these oils.'
'I think you should come take a look,' Lula said. 'I might need you to, you know, help me out here.'
'Those oils are all overpriced,' Caroline said. 'You're better off buying one of these vibrating miracle makers and they throw the oil in f
or free. It's a lot better bargain.'
'Gee, I really don't need a miracle maker though,' I said. 'I got a house full of them already.'
'Well, I need a miracle right now,' Lula said to me. 'You got any miracle makers in your bag? Do you see what I'm saying?'