“I'm never going to another wedding,” Melvin said. “I wish I was dead. Maybe I should just kill myself.”
Valerie came into the kitchen carrying a laundry basket. “What's up?”
“I pissed on the cake,” Melvin said. “I was shit-faced.” And then he passed out facedown in his sandwich.
“I can't take him in like this,” I said.
“He can sleep it off on the couch,” my mother said, putting the iron down. “Everybody take a body part and we'll drag him in there.”
ZIGGY AND BENNY were in the parking lot when I got home.
“We heard you want to make a deal,” Ziggy said.
“Yep. Do you have Mooner?”
“Not exactly.”
“Then it's no deal.”
“We went all through your apartment and it wasn't there,” Ziggy said.
“That's because it's someplace else,” I told him.
“Where?”
“I'm not telling until I see Mooner.”
“We could hurt you real bad,” Ziggy said. “We could make you talk.”
“My future grandmother-in-law wouldn't like that.”
“You know what I think?” Ziggy said. “I think you're fibbing about having it.”
I shrugged and turned to go into the building. “When you find Mooner, let me know and we'll deal.”
Ever since I've had this job people have been breaking into my apartment. I buy the best locks available and it doesn't matter. Everyone gets in. The scary part is that I'm starting to get used to it.
Not only did Ziggy and Benny leave everything as they found it . . . they improved on it. They did my dishes and wiped down my counter. The kitchen was nice and tidy.
The phone rang and it was Eddie DeChooch.
“I understand you've got it.”
“Yes.”
“Is it in good shape?”
“Yes.”
“I'm sending someone over to get it.”
“Hold on. Wait a minute. What about Mooner? The deal is that I'm willing to trade Mooner for it.”
DeChooch made a derisive sound. “Mooner. I don't know why you even care about that loser. Mooner isn't part of the deal. I'll give you money.”
“I don't want money.”
“Everyone wants money. Okay, how about this? How about I kidnap you and torture you until you hand it over?”