He moves until he’s standing right in front of me, so close that my nose fills with his masculine scent, his cologne, the clean smell of his clothes. All my senses are screaming for more. “Is that what you want?” His tender voice assaults my ears. I look up at him, at the concern on his face. The temptation to shake my head and lean into his chest is so strong. I step back
“Yes.” I lie, looking everywhere but at him, I’m not going to be trapped into thinking he cares about me again, and I can’t be with him knowing that he doesn’t love me. I love him too much for that.
He sighs and steps away from me. “You can have the apartment.” He says tiredly, “I’ll leave, You don’t have to stay here.”
As if I could go back there. The idea of living in that apartment, among all the memories of our time together, is not something I can contemplate.
“I don’t want your apartment.”
“Then what do you want? Tell me, Sophie, because I’m not going to leave you here at this third rate hotel for God’s sake.”
I close my eyes. Part of me wants him to leave, the other part want everything that’s happened to go away, so I can go to him and take comfort in his touch.
“Look,” he says when I don’t say anything. “Let’s be reasonable. You want to stay in Bellevue? Fine. I’ll get you a place to live. I have the resources to do that.”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Don’t argue.” His tone takes an air of finality. “You are entitled to a lot from me, and I don’t mean just because we’re married. Much of what I have is yours now. Think about it. You can go to art school, design jewelry, do anything you want. Whatever you want, I won’t fight you. You can have anything you want.”
I want you to love me. The words are silent in my head. That’s all I want. It’s all I ever wanted.
His jaw hardens, “In time we’ll have to discuss some sort of settlement...”
It’s the word ‘settlement’ that does it. I don’t hear everything else that he says. The thought of lawyers, the finality of a divorce, it makes me want to curl up somewhere and weep. Maybe Aunt Josephine was right, maybe I’m weak, spineless, not worth the space I occupy. Maybe David can see that, maybe that’s why he can’t bring himself to love me. Desperation floods my stomach. I feel sick.
“I don’t want your money,” the words come out in a torrent. I feel the sting of tears in my eyes. “You can keep your settlement. I don’t want anything from you. Just leave me alone and let me forget that I ever met you.”
I hear his sharp intake of breath. “Sophie.” He steps towards me, his voice so tender I can’t bear it.
“Please David, just leave me alone.” I whisper.
“That’s the thing,” he says, stopping just shy of touching me, “I can’t.”
I swallow, closing my eyes against the pain and the tears that are threatening to erupt. “It was all a mistake.” I can hear my voice breaking, “I should never have left Ashford with you. I should never have...” I’m about to say that I should never have fallen in love with him, but I stop myself.
He takes my hands, and the sudden contact makes me start to tremble. I look up at him. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you Sophie.” He says, his voice a little rough. “But it wasn’t a mistake, not for me. I’m not sorry I met you.”
I look down at my hands, entwined in his. I hate that he’s talking like this, playing with my emotions, turning me against myself. I pull my hands away. “Well I am. I meant everything I said before I left David. You’ve hurt me, humiliated me,” I swallow the painful lump in my throat. “I never want to see you again.”
His eyes close and I watch him take a deep breath, when he looks at me again the pain I see in his eyes is crushing. I have to try very hard to remember the hurtful things he said to me and the utter humiliation he made me feel.
I wait for him to go, but he doesn’t move. For a moment, I think he doesn’t believe me. We’re standing so close, I can feel the heat from his body. I almost imagine that he’s going to come towards me, to hold me. My skin heats up in all the places that anticipate his touch.
Finally, he steps back from me. “Just call me if you need anything,” he says finally, his voice impersonal.
I nod and look away, waiting silently until he leaves. Only then do I crumple onto the floor and burst into tears.