“Why not?” She flings each word at me. “Will you marry someone else to teach me a lesson?”
“Don’t test me Sophie.” I reach for her. God! I want to beg, but somehow I can’t find the words.
She ignores my touch.
“Fine.” I turn away. “Do whatever you like. Go back to Ashford. I’m sure your little boyfriend will be more than eager to find you a place in his bed.” I snort with derision. “But while you’re at it, you might want to ask yourself why you married me.”
She looks like she can’t believe what I just said. “I love you.” Her voice breaks on the words and my chest clenches.
She loves me. Even in her pain, she loves me.
I almost back down, but she’s already cast me in the role of the villain, and that is a role I know how to play.
I laugh mockingly. “What love? Did you fall in love with some stranger you barely knew Sophie, just because he asked you out to dinner. Get real sweetheart, this has always been about sex.”
“Not for me.” She argues, tears in her eyes.
“Then you’re a liar as well as a fool.”
“I hate you,” her voice is low but decisive. “I hope I never have to see you again. Carole was right about you. You use people, and when you’re done with them, you toss them away like rubbish. You’re not worthy of my love.”
Each word pierces me like a barb, because I know she’s right. I turn away from her. “Do whatever you want Sophie.”
I’m so angry, with her, with myself. I can’t even bring myself to look at her, because I know I’ve just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened in my miserable life.
I can’t sleep. I spend the night in my study because I can’t bear to sleep on our bed alone. I’m assaulted by unfamiliar emotions, loneliness, heartache, pain... I don’t want her to leave. I won’t be able to bear it. As soon as morning comes, I go to her. I’ll do anything she wants, and if it’s not enough, then I’ll leave, if that’s what she wants, if she hates me that much.
I open the door to the guest room where she spent the night, and see her body stiffen on the bed. She lies still, pretending to be asleep. Words fill my head, but I can’t bring myself to say anything. After a few minutes, I leave her lying there. I’ve always known that I didn’t deserve her. Now she knows it too.
I give Mrs. Daniels the day off, sure that Sophie would want to be alone to do whatever she’s decided. Downstairs, I instruct Steve to take her wherever she wants to go.
Leaving me is probably what’s best for her. She deserves better than an empty carcass with a barely beating heart. She deserves a man who’ll love her, everything about her, and never hesitate to announce it to her, and to the world.
I just wish I could be that man.
Sophie
Chapter Eight
I always thought of love as a beautiful feeling, and it is, when you’re happy. When you’re sad, it’s a monster that tears at your insides, until the pain spreads to every part of you, until you just want to be numb, to lose the ability to feel, to ever feel again.
I have no clear idea where exactly I’m going when I leave the apartment. I just know that I can’t stay there anymore. I feel humiliated and empty. Each memory of last night is like a raw wound in my mind. I remember every hurtful word David said to me as clearly as if I can still hear them. I can’t believe that he would use my body’s need for him to prove his point.
That our marriage is nothing, only sex.
How could I have been so stupid? I was so desperate for him to love me that I ignored all the signs that he didn’t. I lied to myself because I wanted to belong to someone, to be happy for the first time in my life.
“Isn’t this enough Sophie?”
His taunting words resound in my ears, and the memories of my easy capitulation make me cringe. I hate him, but I hate myself more.
Thankfully, Mrs. Daniels isn’t in the apartment. I’m glad that I don’t have to face her. I don’t want to face anyone. I feel like a failure, a fraud who attempted to take something that didn’t belong to her in the first place. I just want to go silently. I take the service elevator to the ground floor, leaving the building through the service entrance. This way there’s no chance of running into Steve outside, or seeing the curious looks of the doorman.
The service entrance leads unto a side street. Outside it’s clear and sunny. On the worst day of my life, the weather chooses to be perfect.
I walk along the street for a while, eventually, I find a bus station. I don’t even know where the bus is going when I climb in, but as long as it will take me far away from David. It’s fine with me.
Luckily, I’m in the right bus. After a couple of stops, it goes over the bridge to Bellevue. I make a few enquiries at the station and find a small hotel close to the main street. I intend to stay there only for a little while until I can find a small apartment and a job.