Landon nods. “Yet, there’s another part of you that wants a chance to make her happy, to make you happy. A part of you that knows things will never be the same without her.”
I glare at my shoes. “Yes.”
“You know better than anyone that grief can make people irrational. She’s grieving. Maybe with time…”
I shake my head. “With time, she’ll be long gone, back into the circus that’s her life.”
“I’m sure you can brave the circus to be with the woman you love, to be happy.”
Yes. If I thought she loved me, but Liz…Liz exists to punish and torture me. To take me high and drop me so low, I’m nothing but wreckage on the ground.
“Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy,” I mutter. “Maybe I exhausted my store of goodwill the day I pushed Dad to kill himself.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” There’s an edge to Landon’s voice. “To think that, you have to ignore every other wonderful thing that’s happened in your life.” He gives me a stern look. “I used to focus so much on everything that went wrong, I forgot to be grateful for all the things we had…the Hayes, grandpa and nana, the summers in France, the hotel, the financial safety nets… It was easier to think about what we lost and use it as a reason to be unhappy.”
He pauses. “I had to decide I deserved to be happy, to stop blaming myself for things I couldn’t change, to focus on the present and make the future I and Rachel deserved.”
“You need to stop blaming yourself for that night. You had a fight with your dad. Lots of teenagers do. What happened after the fight was not your fault, Aidan. I used to think I was a bad person for thinking this, but dad died the day we lost our mom. Every other moment he spent here… he was just waiting for a chance to go to her. Was he a bad father for that? I won’t judge anymore, but the man he was, before the accident…he’d have been proud of the man you are, the success you’ve become. They both would. Stop thinking you deserve pain or punishment. You don’t.”
I stare at him for a moment, then I smile a little. “Years of therapy and I just needed my big brother to set me straight.”
He laughs. “That’s why I’m here.”
“You really think he’d have been proud of me?”
“Yes. I am proud of you.”
I smile. “Best thing I ever did for myself was hoodwinking you onto my team.”
“You were always devilishly charming, even as a baby.”
We both laugh and he pats my back. “Don’t give up on Liz. You deserve a happy relationship with a woman who loves you, and if she’s the one, then you’ll both find a way to work through this.”
If she’s the one.
She’s always been the one for me.
But I’ve never been enough for her.
And if I open myself up to her, she’s just going to destroy me, all over again.
There’s no point telling Landon that, so I just smile.
“In any case,” he continues. “What matters right now is that she’s going through a lot, and she needs you. So, are you going to be there for her, or are you going to let your resentment steal this time you have together?”
“After seven years, I have an almost symbiotic attachment to my resentment.”
“I can tell.” Landon laughs. “I can also tell that it’s keeping you miserable.”
Later, on the drive back to the city, I think about our conversation. Seven years, and the only moments of life, of brightness, were the moments I spent with Liz.
My life has been a desolate winter without her, and I can’t deny that these few weeks with her here, have meant far more than all the time we spent apart.
I want her to stay, but I won’t beg. I won’t open my heart for her to scorch it all over again.
But as long as she’s here, then I’ll give her what she needs. My time, my support…and when she breaks my heart all over again, maybe it will have been worth it.
Chapter Thirty Two