I can barely put all my feelings into words. I take her hand. “Rachel.”
She pulls her fingers from mine and jerks away, rising from the bench. “Don’t touch me.”
“Rachel—”
“Two weeks, Landon.” Her voice is heavy with accusation. “I waited for you…”
“Rachel.” There’s a plea in my voice. “Come back.”
She shakes her head. “I told you I was in love with you and you let me stew in your silence for two fucking weeks. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to open up to you about my feelings?”
I get up and face her squarely. “You left.” How was I supposed to be certain what she wanted when she left me after I begged her not to?
Her eyes close. “Yes, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I walked away when I said I wouldn’t. It hurt me to leave you, Landon, but I had to. It was clear that even though I told you how I felt, you were still holding back.”
“So, as usual, you decided to walk away.” I can’t keep the accusation from my voice.
“I couldn’t wait around for you to decide you didn’t want me!”
I take a deep breath. “Please come back. Sit. Let’s talk.”
She stares at me, eyes wary. “I don’t think—”
“Rachel, for God’s sake! For once, will you stop fighting me?”
She comes back to the bench and I lower myself beside her.
“Look at me.”
She does as I say, and suddenly her eyes are filling with tears. I dab them away with a handkerchief before taking her hands in mine.
“These past two weeks,” I start. “I’ve been…I don’t know what I’ve been doing.” I take a breath. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know why you walked away before. I didn’t know how you felt. I didn’t know you thought you needed to get away from me. I didn’t know your feelings made you believe you needed to get over me, or that my behavior—pursuing you relentlessly, ignoring your requests for me to leave you alone—took away the space you needed to do that. I understand now. I get it. I get why you walked away that first time.”
She doesn’t reply.
“I’ve been trying…I’ve been trying to stop thinking about you,” I continue. “When I woke up and you had gone, I…I wanted to come after you, Rachel. You have no idea what it took to stay back and let you have the space I didn’t give you in the past.”
Her small hand is soft in mine. My fingers flex around hers.
“There were so many times I wanted to come to you. There were so many things I could have said, but Rachel, the last thing I wanted was for you to think I was telling you what you wanted to hear just to get you to stay.”
Her voice is tight. “I didn’t tell you I was in love with you because I wanted you to say some meaningless words back to me. I told you because it was the truth. If you don’t feel the same way, I totally understand. I really do.”
“Will you let me finish?” I say in a low voice. She stops talking and I continue. “I’ve been trying to make sense of a lot of things, my feelings, yours…I was trying to make the best decision for both of us, trying to determine the right course of action. I didn’t want to pester you as I had in the past, so I decided to wait a while, but then you told Joe you didn’t want him picking you up anymore, and I thought… I didn’t know what to think.”
She pulls in a breath. “I didn’t want to be reminded…”
“Of me?”
She nods. “Yes. Joe’s presence reminded me every day that even though you knew how I felt, you chose to stay away.”
“I’m here now,” I tell her.
I can feel her tremble, and inside, I’m trembling too.
“Why?” she whispers.
“Because I couldn’t wait anymore. I’m crazy about you, Rachel. I’ve always known that much. I’ve always known I wanted to be with you, that I’d protect you, give you anything you wanted, that I could never let you go.”