“No way!”
“It’s an accessory,” Diesel said. “Think of it like jewelry. He probably got it at Cartier.”
“Wrong,” Lenny said. “Petco.”
I reached out and touched the collar. Nothing. I touched his watch. Nothing there, either.
“Suppose I guessed the inheritance?” I asked Lenny. “Would that be okay?”
“It’s a free country,” Lenny said. “I can’t stop you from guessing. Anyway, you’ll never guess it, and even if you do guess right, you’ll never find it. It’s hidden and booby-trapped.”
Diesel opened an under-the-counter drawer and pulled out handcuffs attached to a heavy chain.
“Sometimes I’m a bad boy, and I need to be punished,” Lenny said. “I have more stuff in my bedroom if you want to see.”
“No!” I said. “Gee, look at the time. I have to go now.”
Diesel wrapped an arm around me. “We can take a couple minutes to check out the dude’s bedroom,” Diesel said. “I bet he keeps his inheritance in there.”
“Don’t know. Don’t care,” I said.
“Has Shirley seen your inheritance?” Diesel asked Lenny.
“Nope. Nobody’s seen it but me and good ol’ deader-than-a-doorknob Uncle Phil. And nobody’s gonna see it, either, because I can keep a secret. You can ask my wife. Oops, I mean ex-wife. She didn’t know about lots of things. And then when she found out, she turned into a real party pooper.”
“Did you tell her about your inheritance?” I asked.
“No. I told her about my paddle collection and my cyber slut. I thought she’d be excited, but she packed her bags and left.”
“Gosh, go figure,” I said, thinking I’d touched the Ping-Pong paddle, wondering if I had hand sanitizer in my purse.
“When did you start collecting paddles?” Diesel asked Lenny.
Lenny rocked back on his heels. “Five or six years ago. One day, it just came over me that I needed a good whacking. And now I can’t get enough of it.”
“Jeez,” I said.
Diesel leaned close, his lips brushing my ear. “At least it’s not fattening.”
If I had to make a choice between getting disciplined by the cyber slut or gaining a hundred pounds, I’d probably go with the cupcake obsession.
“We need to talk to you about the inheritance,” I said.
“Sure. What about it?”
“Where is it?”
“That’s for you to know and me to find out,” Lenny said.
Diesel and I exchanged glances. Lenny was snockered. Helpful for extracting information. Not helpful if he didn’t make any more sense than Shirley.
“Is it in the bedroom?” I asked.
“Used to be.” He looked into his glass. “Empty,” he said. “So sad.”
“He needs food,” I said to Diesel.
Diesel opened the refrigerator and looked inside. “A half-empty bottle of Aquavit, a can of Crisco, and a rubber chicken. That’s it.”