I put my hand on the arm controller, ready to get out of here. Without looking at the doctor, I mumble that I need to go. I know why Peggy came here to ask me to take the kids for their appointment. If she had texted me, I probably wouldn’t have answered. And if she had asked me at home, I would have made an excuse not to do it. She put me on the spot in there, and I couldn’t very well say no. As a matter of fact, I would have done anything—said anything, agreed to anything—to get her out of this room.
I drive across town and am early at the high school. Jaxon and Josie are both freshmen this year and seem to be adjusting well, considering everything our family has been through. They’re twins, and I still find it amazing how alike but also how different they are.
When they spot my truck, I can tell they’re surprised. I haven’t picked them up from school probably since grade school. All the time I went away for assignments, Peggy took care of the family and household.
“Dad, what are you doing here?” Josie asks, climbing into the back seat as Jaxon jumps in the front.
“Well, you have the learners’ permit test, and I thought I’d take you.”
Jaxon is quiet and subdued as I pull out of the parking lot. He’s a lot like me and keeps things bottled in. Josie is the opposite. She’s bouncing in her seat. “I’m so nervous.”
The whole way to the DMV I quiz them with “what if” scenarios, and sadly, it’s the best conversation I’ve had in months. There’s no talk about my legs or inadequacies. I’m just having fun with my kids. I can forget for a minute that I’m disabled. At least until I pull into the parking lot of the DMV. “Go on in, kids, and get signed in. I’ll be in in a minute.”
They both look at me with wide eyes, and I know they’re trying to figure out what they should do to help me. I can see the doubt in both their eyes, and I can’t blame them. This is the first outing we’ve had in over a year, and I’ve been pretty unhinged since I got home. I give them a smile. “I’m fine. I’ll be right there.”
My body temperature goes up knowing that I have to go in the building. I’ve avoided crowds for so long now, I get anxious just thinking about it. I have my prosthetics on, and I’m getting better with them, but I still lean heavily on my chair. For a split second, I consider walking in but change my mind quickly. I use them only to go from the driver’s seat to the chair. That’s it. I don’t even think my family has seen me try to walk yet, and they probably won’t for a while. Not until I can do it without falling flat on my face.
I open the door and look down at the ground below. All I have to do is walk on my prosthetics to the back of the truck and get my chair out. I can do it. My mind starts whirling... and then go inside where everyone will stare at me. Just as I’m about to slide from the seat, Jaxon comes out of the DMV. He’s looking at me sheepishly. “Hey, Dad. She said there’s only one paper you need to sign, and I can take your license in for you.”
I stare at him, debating going in there. I know I should. I need to show my kids that even through everything that happened to me, I can still function... I can still be there for them. And just as I’m about to tell him just that, my fifteen-year-old son starts to say, “It’s all right, Dad. It’s not a big deal. Just the fact you want to be with us is enough. The rest of it can come later. There’s no rush.”
I nod and take the pen he’s holding out to me. I sign my name and pull my driver’s license out of my wallet and hand it to him. We are avoiding looking at each other, and my voice is thick with emotion. “Thank you, son.”
He smiles in relief. No doubt he’d worried if he was making the right decision by coming out here. I’ve been a bear to live with, and I know I have. My wife, my kids, everyone has tiptoed around me, and I hate that on top of everything else that has happened, I’ve taken it out on my family.
He takes my license and the papers back. “We’ll be out after our tests.”
I nod and watch him run back into the DMV. Even though he’s not letting on, I know I let him down. Him and his sister... again.