Paulson and Sally are two of my favorite wolves. They just seem so happy and in love. She’s pregnant with their second baby, and her belly is getting huge.
“Thanks for taking such good care of our little guy,” Paulson says as he gathers Tam in his arms.
“No problem,” I say. I collect Tam’s sippy cup and diaper bag, then hand them both to Sally. “How are you feeling?” I ask her.
“Oh, you know,” she pats her belly. “About ready to pop. I feel like I’m going to explode, actually,” she laughs.
“Well, you look lovely,” I say honestly, trying not to let the pang of jealousy that fills my heart be known. Will Nash and I have a baby of our own someday? Part of me wants one. I love the idea of being filled with his seed, of growing his own little cub. Would it look more like me or like him? Would the baby have his cute nose and my bright eyes? Would it have his hair or mine? Would it be a boy or a girl? I try not to think about it too much because it’s silly to dream about something that might not ever happen.
There’s a very big part of me that still whispers I’m not good enough for him. There’s part of me that thinks he’d be better off with someone else, a real wolf. There’s part of me that thinks he’d be better off with someone who can definitely give him a shifter baby. Even if I bear his child, there’s no guarantee it would be a shifter. Who knows? The baby could end up like me: human.
Do I really want to raise a human baby in a wolf’s den?
Do I really want my child to feel like he or she isn’t part of the pack?
Paulson and Sally are so lucky. Tears fill my eyes as I think about how happy their sweet little family is and how blessed they are to have each other.
I’m guessing my jealousy fills the air because suddenly, Paulson and Sally each sniff, then turn back to me.
“Are you all right?” Paulson asks carefully, and I just nod.
“Yeah, I’m totally fine,” I lie.
I don’t belong here.
I’ll never be enough for Nash.
I’ll never bear his children.
As much as I don’t want to believe it, the truth is that I don’t belong here. I’m sad I don’t, but that’s my reality. I need to try to make my place in the pack, but what happens if Nash and I really do have a child sometime? What if our baby is a shifter? We won’t know for certain until puberty. That’s when most shifters are able to alternate forms.
How am I supposed to help a child through that? I’ve never shifted. I’ve never changed. I’ve never had to figure out how to change my body into something else and then change back. What will I do if my child gets stuck in their wolf form? What will I do if something happens to Nash and I’m a single parent? What will I do if I never fit in with the pack and my child resents that?
What if my kid doesn’t want a non-shifter for a mother?
“Woah,” Sally says, and touches my shoulder gently. “You’re sending off a pretty strong fear scent, honey. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine,” I wave her off. “I’m just nervous about the mating ceremony. It’s coming up soon, you know.”
“Yes,” Sally smiles. “We’re all so happy for you and Nash.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me. I hope you can all make it.”
“Of course! Germaine was telling me all about your dress and how lovely it is. I can’t wait to see it.”
“Oh, I guess you haven’t heard then. Someone actually destroyed it.” The words are out of my mouth before I realize what I’m saying. I probably shouldn’t go blabbing about things like this. There’s no point in upsetting anyone.
“What?” Paulson growls, and the sound reminds me of Nash when he gets upset.
“Yeah,” I shrug, trying to be casual, trying not to show how much it hurts or how upset I actually am. “I don’t know why someone would do that unless they were just trying to remind me that I don’t belong here.”
“I don’t think it’s just you,” Paulson comments. “Some weird things have been happening all over the pack.”
“What do you mean?”
“A bunch of meat went missing this week,” he comments. “And last week, several shifters reported missing tools and weapons.”
“What?” I ask. “Nash didn’t mention any of that to me.”