“Ben told her.”
“He did? Why would he do something like that?”
“He wanted her to understand, I think.”
My mother shook her head. “It’s no business of his.”
“She’s not going to tell anyone,” I said. “She’s not going to tell Declan.”
My mother was quiet for a moment, her lips pressed together into a thin line. “That’s good. I hope she wouldn’t. But you don’t know if she might tell someone else, who will tell someone else...that’s how it gets started, and then suddenly, the whole town knows. Is that what you want? Do you want Declan to find out because some kid goes up to him on the playground someday and tells him?”
“Of course not,” I said. “And I don’t think that’s going to happen. But if Allie and I are going to be in a relationship, then I want to be completely honest with her. I probably wouldn’t have told her this soon, but it would’ve come up. If the roles were reversed, I would want to know this about her.”
“I am happy to hear that you guys are going to try to work things out,” my mother said.
I only nodded; I decided not to elaborate that there was really nothing to “work out” between us, as if we had some major conflict that we needed to resolve. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have told her about Declan to begin with.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Allie
I wasn’t going over to Cole’s house every single night after work, but it was pretty close. We’d all do something together outside—go for a swim, take a bike ride, play Frisbee in the backyard—and then we’d have dinner, either out somewhere or back at Cole’s place. And then we’d hang out some more, Declan would get ready for bed, and Cole and I would usually sit out on the deck and drink a beer, or relax in the hammock under the star-filled sky.
Tonight, we were sitting on the deck. I had almost finished my beer when Cole stood up and asked me if I wanted another one.
“No, I think I’m good,” I said.
“I’m going to grab another one.”
He went inside and then returned a moment later with a new bottle of beer. He sat down and took a long sip.
“So,” he said. “I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole thing with Declan. It’s been a relief to have been able to tell someone else about it, but at the same time, that’s made me think about it in a different way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well... I guess I just mean now that you know—and you’re someone who wasn’t there through the whole thing, like Ben or my parents were—that’s got me wondering how this whole thing must seem to you, and maybe you think that I did the wrong thing, or I’m doing the wrong thing by not telling Declan.”
“Cole,” I said. “It doesn’t matter what I think, because this situation isn’t about me.”
“It does matter what you think though,” he said. “To me, it does.”
“I appreciate you saying that. But in this situation...it doesn’t involve me. Or, it might now because I’m part of Declan’s life, but all this was happening long before I knew you guys, so you made the choices you felt you had to at the time.”
“It is something that I’ve struggled with,” I said. “I don’t want you to think that I haven’t felt guilty about it or wondered if I’m doing the right thing. What would I want to have happen if the roles were reversed? Of course I’d want to know. More than that—I’d want my kid back. So I’ve been giving it a lot of thought.” He took another sip of beer, then sighed. I could tell that this had been bothering him quite a bit. “And I’m not going to tell Sam, or his sister, or anyone in their family.”
I nodded. “I think that’s the right choice,” I said. “Or maybe not the right choice, but the best one, given the circumstances.”
“Because what would the outcome probably be? They’d try to get custody. I could lose him and never see him again, and Sam is in no condition to raise a child by himself. Even if... even if that whole thing hadn’t happened between him and I, he very well could still be using drugs. It’s just not the sort of environment that a child should be in.”
“It’s not,” I agreed. “And Declan loves you and is so happy with you.”
Cole sighed. “I feel like shit about it, though. Deep down, I do. The whole thing is so messed up. I’m just trying to do the best that I can now within the situation that we have to work with, but I know that some people would think it’s totally wrong to raise Declan as my own when his real father is alive and only a few hours from us.”
“You are his real father,” I said. “Don’t tell yourself for a second you aren’t. The issue isn’t so cut and dry. That’s what makes it so complicated. In a perfect world, your sister would still be alive, she and Sam wouldn’t have ever touched drugs, and they’d be raising Declan together, but that’s not the way things turned out.”
“I just wonder sometimes if, later on in life, he hates me for it.”
“I don’t think he’ll hate you for being the best dad for him that you could be. If you do one day decide to tell him, he’ll be old enough to realize that you only had his best interest in mind. It’s not like this is a walk in the park, raising kids. When you’re a parent, you’re not just there for the fun stuff and then you get to leave the responsibilities to someone else. It hasn’t been easy for you, either.”