“Really?” he said. “I’m sorry to hear that. But your mother and I thought that things seemed pretty good with you.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment. I folded my arms across my chest. He clasped his own hands over his trim waist. “You’re going to have to be more specific, Allie,” he said. “Because I’m really not sure what you’re getting at here.”
“Do you remember what you did to me that night?” I asked.
He didn’t try to deny it or confirm it; he said nothing.
“Let me refresh your memory,” I said. “I was 15. Mom went out for the night. I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep, and you came in and climbed up into bed with me. Ring any bells?”
Finally, he looked at me. He rubbed his hand across his mouth and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he said.
I stared at him. “What?”
“I’m sorry.”
Wait—he was sorry? That had been the last thing I’d been expecting him to say, because if he was apologizing, that meant he was acknowledging that something had happened.
“I was drinking a lot back then,” he said. “I don’t know if you remember that or were even aware of it. What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry. I should have apologized to you sooner, but I just...didn’t.”
“Then why did you pretend like you had no idea what Mom was talking about when she brought it up to you?”
He looked at me blankly. “She never brought it up with me.”
“But she...” I didn’t finish my sentence. I tried to recall my phone conversation with her—I was pretty much 100 percent certain I could remember her saying that she had talked to him about it, and he said he had no clue. Hadn’t she? Yes, she had. At least, that’s what she told me, but from the sounds of it, she hadn’t broached the subject with Bill at all. And that made sense, really. She didn’t want to believe it, and since nothing had actually happened, in her mind, it would be better if the whole thing just went away.
“You were like a dad to me,” I said. “I always thought it was cool that we were able to get along, that you weren’t some stepparent that I hated.”
“And I appreciated that fact, too.”
“Appreciated it a little too much.”
“It was wrong of me. To be honest, I barely even remember that night; that whole period was kind of a blur and not in a good way. Things in my professional life were not going particularly well at the time.”
“So you thought it would be good to mess up things in your home life, too?”
He shook his head. “That’s not it. I had a lapse in judgment. A severe lapse in judgment. But I do remember enough to know that nothing happened.”
“Yeah, because I didn’t let it! If I hadn’t stopped you, you probably would’ve raped me.”He winced at the word. “Allie,” he said.
I did feel as though some of the wind had been taken out of my sails, though. I’d gone into this conversation thinking that he was going to deny everything, that
he was going to act like I was making this whole thing up. Instead, though, he’d apologized. Now what?
“I don’t think we’re ever going to have some close relationship or anything,” I said. “That’s not on the table anymore. But I guess I would like to be cordial.”
“If that’s what you want, I am more than happy to oblige. I don’t want to think that something I did to you has been negatively impacting your life this whole time. That was never my intention.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have climbed into bed with me in the first place.”
“You’re absolutely right—I shouldn’t have. And I’m thankful that nothing happened. You stood up for yourself, and that was a good thing. It just wasn’t a good time in my life then. I know that’s not an excuse.”
“Okay,” I said. “I guess that’s all I really wanted to talk about. Thank you for at least admitting it.”
When I stepped out of the study, I did not feel as triumphant as I had imagined I would. The whole thing just seemed kind of pathetic. He’d gotten drunk and tried to do something stupid, and I had let it affect me up until now. Put in that perspective, it seemed silly that I had let it bother me so much. I didn’t have to be close with Bill; I didn’t even have to have him in my life any more than was necessary.
I walked down the hallway and into the dining room, where Cole, Declan, and my mother were sitting at the table. Declan had a juice box my mother must have bought specially for him, and there was a platter of pastries, a bowl of fruit salad, and some little mini quiches. Cole shot me a glance as I came in, but he didn’t say anything.