I nodded. “I'm sorry you had to go through that, Lilah. Do you think . . . do you think you could ever open your heart again?”
“Maybe. One day. But so far, it seems the past is always there, always waiting in the background to stir up the doubts. Isn't it like that for you, as well?”
“It is, sometimes. There's the shadow of my father, and how he behaved. The terrible thing he did to my mother. But there were other things. There was more.”
Tears began stinging my eyes and sadness tightened in my throat.
“More?” she asked gently. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t need to feel like you have to tell me. That’s personal and private.”
My gaze caught hers and a jolt of something I couldn’t explain shot through me. “Lilah, I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone,” I replied, my voice hoarse.
She reached over and squeezed my hand. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. That one simple touch gave me all the courage I needed to talk about my father—something I hadn’t done in years.
“My father wasn't just a drunk with a bad temper. He was a womanizer, too. With his money and his good looks, it was easy for him. While my mother was pregnant with me, he got another woman pregnant. He paid her off—paid her to have an abortion and disappear. She didn't even have any idea that he was already married, and that his wife was pregnant.”
“Wow. He sounds like—”
“He is,” I assured her before she could even finish the thought. Whatever her thought was, I had no doubt it was still too kind to describe my father.
“He’s the reason I have never imagined I’d have children of my own. That’s not the kind of bloodline I want to pass on.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Asher
When we touched down in Hawaii, the sun was shining and the sea was a deep blue. The Big Island was green against the ocean. It was as picturesque a setting as we could have wished for. But my mind was in a different place. I was still trying to digest just what had happened on the airplane.
One minute, Asher and I had been sipping on champagne and watching a movie. The next we'd been baring our souls to each other and splaying out our deepest, darkest secrets. The things he went on to tell me he’d struggled with were mind-boggling. It seemed nearly impossible that a child wouldn’t have been scarred by the things Asher shared with me. Even if he did have a stable parental figure in his life like his grandfather, he’d had more than his fair share of demons to face.
In return, seeing him so vulnerable, I'd been more open with him than I'd been with anyone ever —period. Sharing my feelings, fears, and issues had never been something I was comfortable with. Maybe it was the moment or the alcohol, or a combination of the two, but I laid it all out. In the aftermath of that, I had to wonder what was going on.
Maybe I was just caught up in the moment, but it felt like more than that. A little voice in my head tried to convince me it was fate, but I'd stopped believing in fate a long time ago—the day Jacob ripped my heart to shreds.
Everything had felt like destiny falling into place when I'd been with Jacob, it had all seemed like such a fairy-tale. Maybe it had been, but it was more of the Grimm Brothers’ version of a fairytale that ended with someone having a stake driven through their gut.
After that, I'd thrown “destiny” into the trash—along with love, joy, and a host of other happily-ever-after ideas. I became someone else after my heart was broken. Someone colder, more clinical, calculating, and cynical. True, it had been great for my career, but was life really all about a job? I'd forced myself to believe that it was. How else could I have gotten over the heartbreak? I never thought I’d find anything, or anyone, to unlock the person I used to be.
But when I was with Asher, all those negative feelings—all the doubt, anxiety, anger, bitterness—they just evaporated into thin air. It felt like the old me, the one who had been hiding in this suit of armor for so long, had finally emerged bruised and wounded, but intact. Intact, and full of a desire to love, live, and experience all the joy and wonder that was to be found in the world once more.
Yet also, the fear remained. Could I take that risk?
Despite the connection and opening up we'd shared in the airplane, Asher hadn't pushed for anything more. He'd never mentioned altering the original plan, even though Meg hadn’t been able to make it. We would still stay in our separate resorts.
Even though part of me wanted to speak up and tell him that I would love to spend the entire vacation by his side, I hadn’t said a word. What I wanted and what I needed weren’t the same thing.
So, we rode to my resort in relative silence, stealing heated glances. I could almost taste the desire passing between us with every look. When the car pulled into the resort I was staying at, Asher helped me out of the back seat and said goodbye with an unexpected kiss on my cheek and instructions to call him if I needed anything. I smiled politely and waved goodbye as the limo disappeared down the long driveway. I was on my own.
I checked in to the resort, then went to my suite and unpacked my bags. Despite the luxuriousness of my surroundings and the beauty of the secluded cottage, Asher had booked for me with its palm trees, private beach, and swimming pool, I was feeling a little down.
“Come on, Lilah!” I said to myself in the mirror. “You're at a five-star resort in paradise, with five days of luxury and relaxation ahead of you, and you're feeling sorry for yourself? Snap out of it!”
But I was struggling. I was—as much as I hated to admit it—missing Asher. Just like I had been for weeks. Having Meg with me would have kept me distracted but, without her, my thoughts kept drifting to him.
He seemed to have resigned himself to the fact that he and I couldn't be together, and he was perfectly justified in doing so. After all, I'd done everything I possibly could to push him away with my insecurities and lack of faith in relationships.
He deserved better than that. If he found someone who could offer him a solid relationship, he deserved her. It was selfish of me to want him, while simultaneously telling him that we simply couldn't be together.
I stared long and hard at myself in the mirror. “Damnit, Lilah. If you want him, you should be with him. You can’t expect him to keep burning a candle for something you keep telling him will never happen.”