But I hadn’t been nice about it.
I allowed the campaign leaders to enter the room and find their seats at big, twirling leather chairs. I stood outside and waited for a moment. I felt my heart quivering in my chest. Finally, around the corner, I saw a shadow. Xavier appeared: his beard dark, his eyes brooding. Three Secret Service agents followed behind him, their heads bald and gleaming in the hallway light. Xavier brought a hand up to greet me, and he stopped short before me, bringing all three Secret Service agents to a halt, as well.
“Amanda,” he whispered. “How are you?”
I nodded, biting my lip. “I wanted to tell you. I really need to talk to you about something—in private.” My voice was filled with breath. I huffe
d into each word.
Xavier brought his hand to my upper arm. I wondered about this—so open? So uncovered? But I couldn’t care. His touch was a comfort. “I understand,” he murmured.
I gestured toward the Secret Service agents. “Is everything okay?”
Xavier nodded. “They upped my security after the Jason incident. I’ll fill you in on everything later. Okay?”
“Is Jason coming to the meeting?”
“I think he knows not to,” Xavier informed me. He pushed open the door, allowing me to enter first. “Shall we?”
I nodded and entered the meeting, feeling all eyes on me. I snapped my binder on the table before me, alerting the members of the campaign that the meeting was coming to a head. Xavier stood beside me—such a powerful force to have at my side. “All right, team.”
But the meeting was generally uneventful. After a while, I was able to get through the tremors I felt about Jason missing the meeting. The back of my mind ticked, wondering where he was, where they were holding him, if he was fired—But the streaming thoughts didn’t affect the meeting. And no one on the campaign team raised their alarm bells, curious about Jason’s whereabouts. Generally speaking, many people on the campaign team couldn’t stand that snake of a man; they came to me with their questions and looked toward Jason with distrust. Strange that their feelings about him were so correct, even without any tactile backing.
Finally, Xavier and I dismissed the meeting. I sat in the black leather chair, spinning slightly, back and forth, as the people proceeded back to their desks. “Thank you, everyone,” I continuously said, flashing my pearly smile. But I felt my happiness dissipating. I knew that Xavier and I needed to face real truths, in the following hour. I knew that we had to gear into our relationship, tear it apart perhaps, in order to allow it to survive. It was, in so many ways, like that Rose Garden downstairs. Faltering, falling apart—at least in my tired mind. We had to make it grow once more.
Xavier sat beside me. He turned toward his Secret Service agents. “Could you please give us several moments alone?” he asked them.
The agents nodded curtly and escalated from the room, leaving us in a pocket of quiet. I swallowed, feeling that I could hear every mechanism in my body, my rushing heart included. I looked toward my fingers.
After allowing the silence to stretch far too long, Xavier finally began. “Amanda. I know you called this meeting for a reason. You aren’t one for wasting time.”
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t find the air for it.
“Please,” Xavier murmured. He brought his hand over mine. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“Okay,” I breathed. I twirled my chair toward him and forced myself through the words. “Yesterday, I went for a walk through the Rose Garden. A strange time of year to do it, sure. But such a solace and understanding passed over me. I understood that—that so many things about this relationship aren’t good for me.” I allowed the words to glimmer in the tense air.
Xavier frowned, but he didn’t say anything. He would trust in my words, no matter what they were.
I continued. “Not that it hasn’t been wonderful. God, it’s been wonderful. There’s something electric between us. But this relationship doesn’t align well with my goals. I have a million things I want to do in my lifetime. Political goals I’ve had since I was a little girl. Even—even silly ones. Like being president someday.” I bit my lip, gazing up toward him. He didn’t scoff or laugh, like I’d assumed he would. “I just. I’m trying to imagine the next five years. Us together, sneaking around, even while your wife knows everything. It feels wrong, Xavier. It feels—distasteful. Off.”
Xavier considered this for a moment, bringing his fingers to his chin. “And does the relationship feel off to you right now?”
I considered his words for a moment. I shook my head slowly. “No. It feels incredible. It feels like—the sort of relationship I’ve been waiting for since I was a girl.”
Xavier nodded. He brought his fingers toward mine and laced them through, linking us. I felt the rest of the world humming around us, but everything was so solid, so stark, there between us. We were the last, flickering flame.
“Amanda, Amanda. This is one of the reasons I love you,” he murmured.
I blinked, unsure of what he meant.
He continued. “I love that you think, think, think all the time. About your dreams, about your goals. I love that you’re not willing to give them up, just because you’re falling in love. But please. Don’t misunderstand. I don’t expect you to give up on anything, because of this. I expect you to continue doing your job, to continue working up at the White House. You have a bright future. I saw it when I first met you—when we first had your interview, in the Oval Office.”
My eyes were so bright toward him, feeling like his words were too good to be true.
He continued. “I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did, but I don’t. I can assure you that I won’t try to get in your way on your path toward your dreams. And I can assure you that I want to be with you. These are the only two things I can readily understand. If experience has taught me anything at all, it’s simply that no one knows what the future will bring. An example of this? I thought I’d become a baseball player when I grew up. I thought I’d want to be married to Camille for the rest of my life—and not just the five years our happiness lasted.” He adjusted himself in his leather chair. “But I know that I want to be with you, that I want to fight forward on this journey with you. This doesn’t mean I’ll help you. I know that you don’t need any help, anyway. But it does mean that I’ll stand by you. I’ll take hits with you. I’ll be with you, and I’ll see what life has in store for us.” He shrugged his shoulders, his eyes still revealing such intensity.
My heart was beating so fast in my chest. I bit my lip, my heart bursting with the knowledge of his words. He understood my qualms, and he had rectified them completely. “Xavier. For so long, I’ve regimented every element of my life. I’ve known what my next steps are going to be, every step along the way. And now—“