"I can't do this, Abby," I sighed.
"Yes, you can. If you're nervous about the crowd, just watch me. Pretend it's just me out there."
I looked down at her. She really wanted me to do it. Part of me wanted to, as well, but I also didn't want to deal with fucking up.
Oddly, I believed her. I felt comforted by how much faith she had in the fact that I could do it. She believed in me. She was supporting me. So many people had no idea how important support was. It was literally the difference between me doing this shit and not. Having someone on your side who believed in you? That was fucking priceless.
"Doing it alone makes it feel like the band's really gone, you know? Like there was a chance we would get back together, but now that's gone."
"Maybe doing this tonight will help you decide whether being with your band is something you want in your life again, after all," she suggested. I shrugged. She had a point. We left the room together, early because I had to go get ready, and stayed together until I had to go backstage.
Everything I saw, heard, and felt blurred into one big cloud of background noise that was buzzing in the back of my head. I wasn't going first. The lineup had been shuffled around so that I was going second to last. At leas
t I wasn't closing out the show, I thought.
This could have been worse. I hadn't really gotten many notes or restrictions as far as what they'd let me do. It just had to be acoustic because the backing band couldn't learn everything they needed in one day in order to back me up, which was fine. I wasn't nervous enough to have to take a shot of something first, but I was getting there.
When it came time for me to take the stage, the audience clapped me on pretty strong. Some of them might have remembered me from the first performance.
It was weird being the only one, at least I was doing something familiar: playing. I started easy, with something I had played to death already: the first song I ever wrote for Remus. It was about the only thing I could write about when I was that young: my mom.
Being behind the piano was easy for me. My hands knew what to play. I'd sung the words so many times there was no way I'd forget them. The crowd wasn't lit like the stage, and we weren't inside, so there were no house lights. I couldn't see Abby any of the times I looked out into the crowd for her. I knew she was there; it wasn't that. I just wanted to see her. I wanted to watch her again when I sang the song I had written for her.
The crowd went wild when I was finished. I nodded and waved. This was never the reason I had gotten into music, but I wasn't going to lie, it felt good to get immediate feedback like that from an audience about your music. The nerves had died at some point between the first and second songs, and now I just wanted to see what Abby thought.
I went backstage, walking down the steps. Abby's beaming face was looking up at me. I smiled seeing her. So that was why I hadn't seen her in the crowd.
"Did you watch the set?"
"You were amazing," she said. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. We were together most of the time, but I didn't know whether anyone really knew we were together, besides Makani and Keno. A few people came up to say they liked the performance and shake my hand.
I hadn't realized it before, but I had sort of missed performing. I liked this feeling. Not being in a huge stadium, performing for thousands of people, but something like this where everyone could see the stage and if they wanted to, could come talk to you after. I heard someone call my name and saw Joseph walking over to us.
"Another fantastic show," he said, grinning.
"Thanks. It’s a great crowd you guys have here," I said. I didn't know whether or not I should have taken my arms off of Abby. If it was a problem, I didn't want to be the reason why she got in trouble.
"If you're ever looking for a job, you're welcome to perform, whenever you want." I laughed a little.
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," I said.
"Will you really?" Abby asked looking up at me. I winked at her, smiling. The more I thought about it, the more it sounded like a great idea.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Abby
It was getting hard to name things that I enjoyed more than waking up next to Nate.
I had never felt like such a chick in all my life. Nobody had ever made me feel so happy about being close to them. This was different from regular friendship. Nate was someone I was beginning to doubt that I could live without. I was doing my best not to think about the end that was coming, whether or not we wanted it, and it was getting easier.
Taking it a day at a time, concentrating on what we were doing and not wondering when it was going to end was the only thing I could do. Stopping this again was completely off the table. I wasn't going to be the reason why our days together were cut shorter than they had to be.
I was going to treat this like what I felt it was: a new relationship that had completely changed my life. I was going to let myself be excited and happy because, damn it, I was.
I loved his company. I loved doing things with him, and if I was spending all my time with him wondering when it was that I would have to be without him, then neither of us were going to have a good time.
I balanced the tray of food I had brought up from downstairs precariously against one hip as I opened his door. I could have called to have the food brought up, but I still had a job I had to report for daily.