“I’m going to have to pass,” I said apologetically. I could see he was disappointed, but he was nice about it and moved on.
I thought vaguely about when I would be ready to get out there agai
n and see people. It wasn’t like it was urgent. I knew I’d feel a huge weight off my shoulders once Nate left, but still, I wasn’t in a hurry. I’d just pick better next time. This experience with him would have been for nothing if I didn’t end up learning something from it.
The crowd erupted into applause. I had missed the entire first performance zoning out and talking to that guy. I had to stay present. Nate isn’t in his suite doing this, I told myself. It was over now, and since it was, I had to be over it, too. I joined the clapping, hearing the host announce that there was an extra performer that night.
“Did you know this was happening?” Makani asked me.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. Luau performers were always booked well in advance because ours weren’t the only ones they performed at. I watched the stage, hearing the audience clap again as Nate walked on with a stool in one hand and a guitar in the other. I felt my heart drop. Oh my God.
“Do you need to leave? I can cover for you,” Makani said to me.
Yes. I wanted to get out of there. He was the performer? I couldn’t watch this. I didn’t want to stand there and listen to this. I was trying to get over him; his music took me right back to feeling sad and abandoned by him when I heard it. I hadn’t listened to his band since we stopped talking.
The part of me that was like those stupid girls in the movies who didn’t know when to let go wanted to stay. He was such a talented musician. If I didn’t get him to myself, couldn’t I have him like this?
“Hi, I’m Nate,” he said. “I came here after my band broke up back in Los Angeles. I didn’t think I’d make music again, but I met someone really special here on Lanai who changed my mind. This song is for her,” he said.
Stop it, I thought. He isn’t talking about you.
“Abby?” Makani said.
“I’m fine,” I said tersely. I hadn’t meant to snap, but I needed to hear this. He began playing, and I held my breath, realizing it was the first time I was hearing him live. He started singing, and my jaw dropped open. He didn’t really sing in Remus; he did a lot of the backing vocals, but mostly played and wrote.
I knew what he sounded like, but I’d never experienced his music like this. I’d never imagined this being the experience of hearing him play his music live.
His presence on stage had everyone there completely enraptured; I knew it wasn’t just me, but I felt in my gut that he was telling me something.
I knew that the two of us had connected during his time here. I knew I wasn’t making that up. What had happened had happened, and it still meant something, even if we had stopped talking. I tried to lock my eyes with his; he was scanning the audience as he played. Maybe he couldn’t see us very well. The stage was lit, but the rest of the luau was probably dark from where he was.
But then he saw me. As our eyes locked, I felt like nothing had happened. He hadn’t said horrible things to me, and I hadn’t asked him to leave me alone.
He looked away as he strummed the final chords of his song, looking up again as the audience broke into applause. I lost sight of him because of the number of people that were on their feet giving him a standing ovation. I clapped furiously. That was so good. I felt Makani touch my arm.
“You know that was for you, right?” she asked. I shrugged, but I was screaming inside. I wanted to see him. I wanted to tell him how well he had done and that I was sorry.
“Where did he go?” I asked her.
She pointed over to the side of the stage where Nate was talking to Keno. I saw them look over a couple times before they started heading towards us. Oh my God, he was coming over. What the hell did I tell him? All my initial bravery fizzled away. I didn’t want to run, though. I couldn’t do that again. I grabbed Makani's hand, so she didn't even think about bailing and leaving me there.
"Abby," she complained.
"I'm not doing this alone," I said through gritted teeth.
"I can't talk to him," she said.
"Then don't. You don't have to say anything. Just stay right there," I whispered. I watched the men walking over to us. My heart started pounding. Think, Abby, think, I thought. What was I going to say? He is coming over to me, so he has to speak first. The last conversation we'd had had been so awful.
I had been upset, and seeing him again, I had felt insecure and exposed. I had just wanted him to leave because that push and pull was too much for me. Did he or didn't he want me; which was it?
I didn't want to hear him say he didn't need me anymore again if that was what he decided after I'd been around long enough to bore him once again. I felt deeply for him, but I was scared, too. Right then, fear had won. I didn't know what would win this time when he spoke to me.
"Hey," he said to both of us. Keno greeted us, too. The tension between the four of us was thick and heavy.
"Hi," I said shortly. I heard Makani clear her throat at my side.
"Nate, that performance was amazing. I had no idea you were so talented," she said.