"Yeah, but I still love his band. That's going to be a problem."
"How about we do something tonight?"
"I don't feel like going out. You go."
"Let's stay here, watch some movies, and have a girls’ night," she suggested. I drank some more of my coffee. It wasn't hot anymore.
"Do we have to watch rom-coms?"
"Of course. It isn't a girls’ night if we don't," she said, grinning.
"Can I pick?" I asked. She agreed and pulled me out of bed to eat some of my leftovers for breakfast before going to work.
The day wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. It was just hours of thinking every tall man with dark hair was Nate, and then panicking, and then calming down when I found out it was not him. That and wondering what he was doing, where, and with whom. Wondering whether he was shooting again, trying to tell myself it was none of my business since he had told me he didn't want my help anymore, and then circling right back to worrying again.
Was he giving you this much thought, Abby? I asked myself. I couldn't just turn it off. I still cared about him, even if he didn't care about me.
I was tired by the time we were clocking out, something that rarely happened. Makani sent me home before she left to shop for our provisions. I spent the time she was gone browsing for good movies to see. I had always thought 50 First Dates was funny before I came to Hawai’i; that wouldn't do it. I needed something really sappy. The Notebook or better; that was the only thing that would give me a good enough cry to get over him.
Makani brought the snacks. Saturated fats were the only thing that could fix this, or at least give me a food coma bad enough to forget. We used my laptop since I didn’t have a television. We discussed the pros and cons of each movie I had selected before we chose The Proposal to watch first.
I liked a good rom-com. Everything always worked out, and in the end, love conquered all. The romantic in me wanted to believe it, but I had doubted ever being able to find something like that for myself in my life. Not where I was now, at least. I’d pull myself out of this; I just needed about a straight month of nights in with Makani, and maybe I’d feel okay again.
"I can't believe she fell for him," Makani said watching Sandra Bullock lose every shred of common sense she had over Ryan Reynolds.
"I know," I said, eating another spoonful of ice cream right out of the carton.
"She could do so much better," Makani said. "He was her assistant."
"Should have paid attention to the terms of her visa," I tutted.
"Could you imagine? Marrying a guy for citizenship?" Makani said dramatically.
"Like Canada's a barren wasteland or something," I laughed.
That felt good. Maybe it was a little hostile to attack the girls on screen for falling in love, but it made me feel better about what I had made the mistake of doing. I hadn’t fallen in love, it hadn’t gotten that serious, but given more time and more nights with Nate being that open and sweet, who knows what might have happened.
Maybe it was cathartic for Makani, too. She had her whole thing with Keno and as far as I knew, she hadn’t spoken to him yet – even though she totally wanted to. We were sort of in different boats, but I could still empathize with feeling bitter about someone else’s happy ending, even if it was just in a movie.
We decided against The Notebook at the last minute because it was too much of a bummer, but got through two more Kate Hudson movies before we turned in. We had work the next day, but Makani stayed over. I was glad she did.
Was this what it was like for Nate? I wasn't trying to compare me trying not to think about him to him trying to stay clean, but now that the light was off and Makani was asleep, I couldn't help wondering how he was.
It wasn't all for nothing. Even if I wasn't helping him anymore, he was still taking care of himself. At least, I hoped he still was. Whatever that phone call was, I hoped it hadn't pushed him back into using. I didn't have to be part of the equation for him to be healthy. I just hoped that if he was done with me, he at least kept his sobriety.
Chapter Twenty-One
Nate
When you've been sick long enough, you stop noticing that your body hasn't been working right. Being sick becomes your new normal, and when you're not sick anymore, it's like a shock. You don't know what to do with all the energy you suddenly have or all the full nights you've been sleeping with no problem.
Twenty-two days. I wasn't detoxing anymore. I was clean. Obviously, not as clean as I had been before I'd ever done dope, but as clean as it was possible to be as a former druggie.
That's right. Former. I'd kicked it. Was it too early to start calling myself recovered?
I felt recovered. I was writing music again. I felt stronger. I was waking up earlier; I mean, shit, I'd been up before nine almost every day the past two weeks. Everything was great. It was like I was on drugs again, but I wasn't. I was clean. The dope had put this wei
rd fog over everything, and now that it was gone, I felt like I had never noticed how beautiful everything around me was.