I was on vacation. I was officially tapped out. Whatever was happening in LA, with the band, with Kirsten, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't give a fuck. I was officially too far away for it to touch me.
Three months of sand, sun, and hot Hawai'ian girls. I walked up to the car. The driver was this older Hawai'ian guy, about my dad's age. He was wearing a uniform with the Four Seasons logo and holding a card with my name on it. He smiled, seeing me walking over to him.
"Mr. Stone?" he asked.
"Call me Nate. The hotel sent you?" I asked. He said they had as he reached for my suitcase. I stopped him because I could do it myself. I was also a little shifty about people handling my bag when I knew what I had in there.
"Is this your first time on Lanai island?" he asked. I heaved my suitcase up into the trunk.
"Yep. First time." He said something else, but I didn't hear him from where I was at the back of the car. I felt a drop in my stomach, and my palms started sweating. Oh no. It was happening. It had been ten hours since my last dose, and I was feeling it. I shut my eyes and tried to stop it.
I had been mostly fine the entire way here on the plane. Even if I had wanted to, there would have been no way that I could have shot up in the middle of a full first-class cabin. I wasn't on the plane anymore, though. My kit was right in my suitcase. My suitcase was right in front of me.
Don't do it, Nate. Come on. You just got here. You left all that shit behind. I was here. I wasn't stressed anymore. No. It had nothing to do with stress — I was just a junkie.
"Hey, could you wait a second for me? I just gotta go take a leak," I said quickly to my driver. He said I could take as long as I needed. I only needed a second. Just something so I didn't get dope sick. I quickly got my kit out of my suitcase, sliding it under my hoodie. I went back into the airport building to find a restroom, locking myself into a stall.
My heart was pounding in my head. I got my kit out, unzipping it quickly. I tore the wrapper off the syringe and nearly dropped the vial of heroin trying to fill it. I held it between my teeth, belting my arm, and quickly sinking the needle into my skin.
Not enough to take me out. Just enough so I didn't start withdrawing. It was dangerous quitting cold turkey, anyway. Yeah. Keep telling yourself that, you fucking piece of shit, I thought.
I took the belt off my arm, letting my head fall back against the door of the bathroom stall. At least I wasn't homeless, robbing a 7-11 for money to buy dirty stuff on the street. At least I didn't have hepatitis from sharing needles. As far as heroin addicts went, I could have been a lot worse. I was still using, but at least I wanted to quit.
That had to count for something. I wasn't doped to my eye sockets, just passed out all day. I hadn't lost my house or alienated myself from all the people who loved me.
Okay, maybe I had done that second one.
I felt myself coming up. As much as I wanted to quit, I couldn't pretend I didn't fucking love that high. It was like looking at everything underwater. Like it wasn't so sharp or hard anymore. Soft focus.
I could quit later. It wasn't a big deal. The road to recovery was a long one. Baby steps, that was what mattered the most, right? I only used enough to keep me from getting sick anyway, not even really to numb out.
You really had to master ninja-level denial when you were a drug user. I could make excuses all day long, but the hard truth was I hated it. I hated that I had to use that shit. I hated that my body literally became sick when I hadn't injected poison into it. I hated that it controlled me.
I hid my kit under my hoodie, coming out of the stall. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I walked back outside, heading for the car.
I realized I must have looked suspicious and dropped the hood. The crowd of people still waiting for rides was a lot smaller. If someone was going to recognize me now, it didn't matter because I was leaving anyway. My kit from the outside just looked like a smaller, black instrument case. I just stuffed it into my backpack and got into the backseat of the car.
"Are you all right?" the driver asked. He was looking back at me sort of concerned. I tried to smile at him.
"Yeah, I'm great. Let's just go." He started the car.
"Did you have a good flight?" he asked. Wonderful, I had gotten Chatty Cathy as my cabbie. The dope had taken the edge off, though, and I was finally here. It was beautiful outside. The sun was shining. The air smelled clean, and it was quiet. He was just doing his job. I didn't need to be an asshole to this guy.
"It was great. Long, though."
"Where did you fly in from?"
"Los Angeles."
"Vacation?"
"Yeah, I just needed a little break."
"You came to the right place. Tell me, do you golf?" he asked.
"No, I don't," I said, wondering what he would say to that.
"It'll help you relax. The Four Seasons has one of the best courses on the island."