I laughed it off because I couldn’t think too hard about it. I reminded myself of what Julie had told me, about how he was still drinking and picking fights over at the Roasted Bison. That wasn’t the kind of stuff I needed in my life. “It’s good to be back,” I said, gesturing around the ranch and carefully not including him in the gesture. “I never would have thought I’d say that I missed this place, but there you have it. It’s good to be back home.”
“I didn’t think you’d ever come back,” Trethan said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Wasn’t your plan to study art and then go off to some big cosmopolitan city and live the life of a rich gallery owner?”
“I never said that. I still don’t know what the plan is.” I shrugged. “I just missed it here, that’s all. I’m probably just here for the summer, but it’s good to be back for a little while.”
“You missed me, didn’t you?” he asked, smirking at me.
I sighed and looked away from him, wishing that he hadn’t asked that. I knew he was just teasing or being playful, but still. “I’m not the same person that I was five years ago,” I told him. “I’m happy that you’re doing well. Dad says you’ve been a great help around here, and I hear that you’re not smoking or doing drugs anymore. I’m really happy for you. Really proud of you. But at the same time, we’re not the same people, Trethan. We can’t go back to what we had before.”
“I’m not asking to go back to what we had before,” he said. “Like you said, neither of us are the same anymore. We could be something more than we were. Something better.”
My expression tightened, and my hands clenched into fists. But I forced myself to be flippant. “It’s not like we were ever really anything to begin with,” I said, shrugging and tossing my hair back. “We hung out a lot, sure. But it’s not like we were dating or anything. We never even slept together.”
I watched him flinch, and I could see the hurt on his face before it slipped back into a neutral mask. “Vanessa, look,” he sai
d, coming toward me, reaching for me. He paused when I pulled away, looking momentarily uncertain.
“Vanessa, I’m sorry about that night. I know I was a dick to you. I know I screwed things up.” He paused. “But like you said, I’m not the same person. I’m not doing drugs anymore. I’m still drinking, but not like I used to. I’ve got things under control. You can ask your dad, you can ask around town, ask anybody-”
“Hey,” I interrupted. “Trethan, I’m happy for you. I really am. But we’re never going to be something to one another, okay? We can’t be.” I took a deep breath. “Look, don’t worry about that night. It’s in the past. We’ve both moved on. It’s been five years. But I do need you to realize that we’re only ever going to be friends.”
Silence stretched out between us. Trethan’s eyes searched my face while I looked out over the ranch. He frowned after a moment. “Don’t say that it never meant anything,” he said quietly. “Look, you can tell me that you don’t want to go back to it or anything else, but don’t say that it never meant anything. It was more than just hanging out — and you know it.”
I sighed, not sure what to say to him. Of course, it had been more than just hanging out. But if I allowed myself to think about how much more than “just hanging out” it had been, I was going to fall right back into it. And, I knew it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us. I was glad he had his life back under control, but at the same time, it had taken my leaving to motivate him. It had taken someone else’s help to make him realize anything was wrong with him.
My feelings hadn’t meant enough to him to pull him out of his self-destructive behavior. Only my absence had done that. If he hadn’t cared about me back then, I had to pretend he never meant anything to me, either.
Trethan finally reached out a hand. “Friends, then?” he asked, looking expectantly at me. “We’re going to keep running into one another, and I’m sure the other night isn’t the last dinner we’re going to have together. Especially since your dad has been raving about the cooking you’ve been doing since you’ve been home. Let’s just agree to not make things awkward. How does that sound?”
I stared at his hand for a moment, wondering if I was ready to agree to that. Then again, what choice did I have? I thought. If I told him I wasn’t ready to be friends with him, it would mean admitting how much he had hurt me.
I shook his hand, nodding at him. “Friends,” I agreed.
“So as friends, maybe we should get lunch sometime or something like that,” Trethan said, his hand still clasping mine.
I winced at the offer. Again, there wasn’t really any way to tell him I wasn’t ready for that yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get lunch with him. I definitely didn’t want to be seen around town with him. I knew what everyone would think.
“Maybe we could have a picnic or something,” I finally said. That would be safe, wouldn’t it? I doubted it would happen anyway. He was here around the ranch to work, not to have picnics. Dad would keep him busy, and I would never have to follow through on that plan.
Trethan looked like he knew exactly what I was thinking, and he looked almost disappointed in me. But then, he schooled his features back to neutral again. “Yeah, sure. I have to get the rest of the horses fed,” he said, turning back to the bale of hay. “Enjoy the rest of your day, though.”
“You, too,” I echoed faintly, watching as he turned and strode away.
I felt a pang of sadness watching him go. I wondered whether I’d been avoiding the ranch because I hadn’t been able to deal with memories of my parents or if I’d been avoiding the place because I hadn’t been able to deal with the memories of Trethan and I hanging around the place in our teens.
The problem was I was still ridiculously attracted to him, more now than ever before. But I had to chalk that up to our shared history. I had to chalk that up to the high school crush I’d had on him. I couldn’t let myself still be in love with him. It would tear me apart if I allowed myself to have feelings for him now.
I turned back toward the house, no longer in the mood to go for a ride. Maybe I’d see what Julie was up to and get coffee with her. Then again, we would probably just end up talking about Trethan, and what I really wanted was to forget about him for the day. I went back inside and headed upstairs. If nothing else, I could apply for a few more jobs and start planning how I was going to get out of White Bluff.
Chapter Nine
Trethan
I let myself get guilted into meeting Brent at the Roasted Bison on Saturday night. I felt bad about how little I’d been seeing of him lately.
I went over straight after work and ordered a plate of wings before Brent arrived. John and I had been working to replace the roof on one of the barns for most of the day, and I was famished. I was just finishing the wings when Brent arrived with a couple of bombshell blondes.
“Hey, man,” he said, sliding into the booth across from me. One of the women slid in next to him; the other joined me over on my side of the table.