p; I frowned. “So, before I left, were you thinking...”
“No!” Gretchen cried. “I was carefully not thinking about any of that because I knew that we were never going to actually end up together. Like you said on New Year's Eve, we both knew that from the start. No matter how much I wanted…” She broke off, shaking her head and brushing away tears.
“Gretchen,” I said, feeling wrecked at the emotions and sexual tension between us. I took a step forward, but she laughed bitterly and took a step back.
“Don't,” she said, shaking her head. “I can't just have sex with you again. And I know you're going back to New York, when, tomorrow morning? Tonight?”
“I haven't booked my flight yet,” I told her slowly. “I called Paul from the airport and told him that I wasn't sure about my future in the business and…” I took a deep breath. “If you don't want to try this, then yeah, I'll probably hop on a flight tomorrow. It's too difficult to stay here otherwise, thinking about everything that I fucked up.”
Gretchen looked confused. “You're not sure about your future in the business?” she said. “Did something happen when you went back? Did they-”
“Everyone's been fine with my return,” I told her. “Except for me. I'm not sure that I want to be back there. I kept expecting things to get easier, to start to feel normal again. But instead, I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. I'm not interested in any of it anymore. And I was talking to Paul about it, I told him about you, and he pointed out that if I wanted to, I have more than enough money saved up that I could retire now and live comfortably for the rest of my life.”
Gretchen narrowed her eyes at me, as though expecting some sort of trick. “That's not just another line to get me in bed with you, is it?” she asked. “It's not like an 'I'm leaving my wife, oh wait, no I'm not!' situation, is it?”
I laughed half-heartedly. “Gretchen, if you don't know me well enough to trust me by now…” Then, I grimaced. “I suppose I haven't done anything to earn that trust lately, though, have I?”
Gretchen stared at me for a long moment. “You're serious, though, aren't you?” she asked, her voice barely audible.
“Totally serious,” I said, nodding at her. “I've never been more serious about anything or anyone in my life.” We stood there for a long moment staring at one another. Finally, I laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck. Something about her brought me down a few pegs from the suave, confident guy that I'd always been. I supposed that was what happened when your feelings got tied up into it.
I supposed that was what happened when you fell in love.
“I guess I should give you time to think things over, huh?” I said when it became clear that she wasn't sure what to say in response. “Sorry to spring this on you too. I probably should have called first, before just showing up here, but I didn't think you would answer. And even if you did answer, I was afraid you'd hang up on me or something. I thought it would be better to do this in person. Anyway, I just kind of wanted to see you. I've missed you, and-”
Gretchen cut off my babbling by surging forward and kissing me. She caught me off guard, flat-footed, and I stumbled backward, nearly toppling both of us. But I managed to get my feet back under myself quickly, and I pulled her close, gentling the kiss from one of frantic desperation to one that I hoped conveyed all the feelings I was having a hard time saying to her.
“We should talk things over more,” Gretchen said regretfully as she pulled away from the kiss. “Responsible adults wouldn't just have sex again, without-”
I groaned and rested my forehead against hers, barely able to keep myself from consuming her. “I haven't had sex since the last time you and I did,” I told her. “I've barely even had the will to masturbate. I need this.”
Gretchen's eyelids fluttered briefly shut, and she groaned. “God, Christian,” she said. “You can't just say things like that.”
“It's the truth, though,” I told her. “Look, I know I wasn't here for that long, and I know that we don't know each other all that well, but I feel like you somehow know me better than anyone else ever has before. And I love everything that I know about you. I don't want to live another day without you in my life. And I know that we need to talk about things, to figure out if we're going to live here or in, in California or somewhere else. I know that there's going to have to be compromises, and I know that I'm going to have to, to work at this. But can we please save that for later?”
“You don't want to live another day without me in your life?” Gretchen asked, sounding awed.
“That is, unless you'd rather be with Lino,” I said teasingly, even though I felt a stab of jealousy even thinking about it.
Gretchen blushed brilliantly and shook her head. “I'd rather be with you,” she told me quietly. “I just didn't think I'd ever be able to have you.” Then, she clapped a hand over her mouth, clearly remembering our fight from New Year's Eve. “Not that I have you now; that's not what I meant.”
I kissed her softly, slipping my tongue between her lips and sliding it languidly alongside hers. “You have me,” I told her as I pulled away, resting my forehead against hers. “You've always had me.”
Gretchen smiled shyly up at me.
“You don't have another appointment this afternoon, do you?” I asked.
“No,” she said breathlessly. “That was the last one.”
“Good,” I growled, possessively taking her hand. “Come on, let's get out of here.”
Gretchen paused for a moment, just staring at me, and for a moment, I was afraid that she was reconsidering. But then, she said in a soft voice, “I'm glad you came back, Christian.”
I smiled at her. “I'm glad I did, too.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Gretchen