Her voice shook, and I felt my body tense in response. “I fell in love with him, Daphne. I shouldn’t have…but it happened, and I was powerless. I still am. I still love him. I love Noah, too. They’re both such amazing human beings, and I’m so sorry that I made their lives worse. I let them down, and I let you down, too.
“It’s funny, you know… We didn’t really know each other at all, and yet, I still feel that connection with you—even now.”
Her voice was heartfelt and devastated, and I felt my anger fade suddenly, as though the sight of her after so long had made me realize that my love for her was stronger than my hurt and anger. I had never really given her a chance to explain, and it looked like there was more to the story than she had let on.
I stepped around the tree and walked slowly up to her. She saw me coming and looked up with a start. “Jake,” she whispered my name.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to keep my tone even.
“I… Today’s Daphne’s death anniversary.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“I wanted… I mean, I needed to speak to her,” Kristen said. She rose slowly to her feet and glanced back at Daphne’s grave. “I’m sorry… I’ll give you some privacy.”
“Wait,” I said, blocking her path.
Kristen looked up at me, and her eyes were bright with tears.
“Did you have any contact with Daphne before she died?” I asked. “After she had married me?”
“No,” Kristen said. “We had no contact after she told me she was enlisting. The only communication was the letter she sent me, the one I told you about. And by the time I received it, she was already gone.”
“I see…”
“Jake,” she said, taking a tentative step forward. “I have something with me that I think you should see.”
She handed me a thin piece of paper, and I recognized Daphne’s handwriting immediately. “This is the letter she sent you?”
“Yes.”
I glanced at the date without touching the paper. “She wrote this four months before she died.”
“Yes.”
I felt my heart jump a little at the thought, but I wasn’t even sure why. I reached out tentatively and took the letter from Kristen’s hands. I could almost imagine Daphne sitting down in her bunk to write it. I wondered what her headspace was at the time… I wondered if on some intrinsic level she knew that she was never going to see her son or me again.
“Read it,” Kristen encouraged. “It might help you.”
I looked down and started to read the letter slowly.
Dear Kristen,
I wasn’t quite sure how to start this letter. I think I’ve started it three different times in the last hour. I think it’s because I’m ashamed of how I reacted the last time we met. You called me a coward when I told you I was enlisting. You claimed that I was running from my life and my problems. At the time I was insulted and hurt, and I didn’t see the truth in your words. But now it’s different.
I have a husband now, Kristen. My husband’s name is Jake, and my son’s name is Noah. I fell in love with my husband while we were both on tours of duty and the plan was to wait until our thirties to start a family. But, as usual, plans didn’t work out as I had thought.
I got pregnant with Noah and… I didn’t know how to process that. My body wasn’t mine anymore, and some days, it felt like my life wasn’t mine, either.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I love my husband, and I love my son… But I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Sometimes I don’t think I was even ready to be a wife. And I suppose that was what scared me, and that was what drove me to run away…again. It took another tour of duty to make me realize that you were right all this time. I was… I am a coward. Whenever I get scared, I leave.
I was thinking about Jake and Noah the other night and then that last conversation that we had popped into my head. I realized that I was wrong to push you away. You were as much a victim in all this as I was. You had no control over your parents’ actions, and I was wrong to blame you for it. I suppose I just needed to blame someone, and you were right in front of me.
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, to be honest… I think it’s my pathetic attempt at an apology. I think it’s also my way of saying I want you to be a part of my life. We are sisters, and I don’t think I appreciated that fact until now.
I’m starting to feel better. I’m starting to think going home is not going to be so bad. But some days… I feel the exact opposite. I’m still lost, Kristen. I’m still confused, and I don’t know when that will change.
I suppose that’s the other reason I’m writing. I think I just want to know that Noah and Jake will have family, whether I’m around or not. I want to know that they’ll be okay.