“Kristen?”
I suppressed a sigh. “Yes?”
“I’m sorry…for butting into your life and ruining things between you and Jake.”
It was the first apology I’d ever gotten from her, and it made me feel a little lighter. “I… Thank you,” I said, deciding to be gracious.
“I hope he gives you a second chance.”
“Goodbye, Mom,” I said.
I stood in my apartment, staring at my phone for a minute. It wasn’t by any means a transformative conversation, but it left me with a strange sense of ease that could only come with enlightenment. Mom and I had come to an understanding. We were not going to get along, but we would always try to stay in touch, even if it was only to touch base. It was by no means a perfect situation, but under the circumstances, it was the best-case scenario.
I walked to my room and opened my desk drawer. I pulled out the letter that had brought me to San Diego and gave it a read for the hundredth time in months. I practically had it memorized, but I still needed to see Daphne’s words from time to time. It was a reminder, as well as a shield of armor, a paper shield to be sure, but a shield nonetheless.
Still, I didn’t want to cause any more damage. Jake was hurting enough, and if I pushed, then I would end up hurting Noah, as well. If Jake wanted space, then that was exactly what I would give him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to no one in particular. “I’m so sorry.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jake
It was a beautiful day, and I thought about how ironic life could be sometimes. The sad days were most often the most beautiful ones. I drove through the pristine drive, passing the gentles slopes on either side of me, which boasted a variety of different headstones in an array of different shapes and sizes. I could see a funeral procession on the other side of the cemetery, and it made me feel even lonelier.
I parked the car and stepped down. Noah had wanted to come with me, but that was only because he thought I was making an ice cream run and he wanted to be there to pick the flavors. I knew that one day he would ask to see his mother’s grave, and I would need to bring him here, but today I just needed to be here alone. I wanted to talk to Daphne; I wanted to ask her questions that I knew I would never get the answers to.
“Say hi to her for me,” Isabelle had said, just before I left. “And, tell her I love her.”
“I will,” I had replied.
Just before I was about to leave, Isabelle had grabbed my hand. “Jake…she loved you; you know that, don’t you?”
“I wish I did know that for sure,” I had replied. “But with all these new revelations, I can’t imagine she loved me as much as she claimed…especially towards the end.”
“She was scared and broken, Jake,” Isabelle had defended her daughter. “She didn’t know how to process the feelings she was experiencing. She felt so guilty all the time.”
“You seem to know more about where she was at than I did,” I had pointed out. “And that says something about our relationship.”
“She didn’t tell me any of this, Jake,” Isabelle had said gently. “I could tell… she didn’t need to say anything because all I had to do was look at her to know how she was feeling.”
The whole drive to the cemetery, I had thought about Isabelle’s words. Maybe I was trying to push blame on Daphne because it was easier for me to blame someone else than to take responsibility for all the things I refused to see. I walked up the sloping hills towards the east end of the cemetery where all the large oak trees stood.
As I walked, I looked around
at the gravestones I was passing by. Most of them were men and women who had lived long, full lives and left behind children and grandchildren. But occasionally, I would come across a gravestone with nothing more than a name and a date. There was a young woman who had passed away at twenty-two and a man who had been only nineteen.
As I came up upon Daphne’s grave, I heard the sound of a hushed voice talking softly. Frowning, I walked closer taking cover behind one of the oaks so that I wouldn’t be seen. I peeked around it and felt a jolt of surprise when I saw Kristen sitting in front of Daphne’s headstone. She was wearing a long dress in soft colors. Her auburn hair was loose and fluttered lightly around her shoulders. She looked like a fallen angel, and I felt a pang as I realized how much I’d missed her.
I thought about heading back to my car and waiting till she had left, but curiosity kept me where I was. I leaned in a little closer, and her words became more audible to me.
“I’m sorry, Daphne,” Kristen was saying, and I realized that there were tears on her face. “I know you asked me to help, but I just made a bigger mess of things. I came here with every intention of seeing how Jake and Noah were doing, but…something about Jake scared me a little, and I just never told him who I was.
“And then everything got out of my control, and I couldn’t think straight after that. I should have done better, for your sake. I should have tried harder. I’m so sorry for how everything happened… It’s such a waste, of your life and Jake’s.
“He’s such a good man; he’s kind and brave, but he’s broken too, just like you said. And, I suppose I thought I could possibly put him back together again. It was a naïve belief, and it was stupid of me to think I could do it, but I got caught up in the moment.”
Kristen sighed deeply, and I heard a light sob escape her. “If I’m being completely honest… I got caught up in him.”