“She is pretty nice, huh?”
“Uh-huh,” he said, nodding his head vigorously. “I like her eyes.”
“Me, too.”
“Mommy had eyes like that,” Noah said.
I fell silent as I looked towards Daphne’s picture in the living room. I hated that she couldn’t be here to make pancakes for her son, but life happened, and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. At least, that was what I needed to tell myself. If I let myself believe that Daphne’s death was preventable, then I would go insane, plain and simple. I needed to look towards the future. I needed to focus on myself, so that I could be the best version of myself for Noah.
> I remembered my conversation with Aunt Margo the previous night. I had told her to accept the date with her admirer. I had told her to be happy. I had told her that Henry would have wanted her to be happy. Wouldn’t Daphne have wanted the same thing for me?
“Daddy?”
“Sorry, buddy,” I said, turning my attention back to Noah. “What did you say?”
“When is Krissie coming back to see me?”
I paused. “I don’t know…soon.”
“When is soon?”
I smiled. “Krissie has a full-time job, Noah—”
“She works for you,” he said, interrupting me.
“That’s right, she does.”
“So maybe you can let her come and play with me?”
I laughed. “You are too smart for your own good.”
“Will you?”
“We’ll see,” I said, refusing to commit to that promise. I knew I’d never hear the end of it if I did. “Now finish your pancakes, I’ve got to get you ready for school.”
As Noah finished his breakfast, my mind slipped to this morning when I had called Kristen Daphne. I was grateful she hadn’t heard the slip, but I would need to be careful. I didn’t want her to think that she was just a stand-in for my dead wife.
I realized with a start that I really cared about Kristen and genuinely wanted her in my life. Last night had certainly changed the dynamic between us, and it had also made me hungry again. It had made me hungry for love, for sex, for intimacy, and for companionship. But most importantly, it had made me hungry for life.
Chapter Twenty
Kristen
I sighed with relief as I entered my shoebox apartment. It was nice to be back home after a long day of work. I hadn’t seen Jake very much over the last few days because he was busy ferrying Noah around, having yet to find the right babysitter. So, he was mostly just working from home. I got about fourteen emails from him daily, but they were always polite and strictly professional.
It wasn’t like he was ignoring the fact that we had slept together, however. He generally called me in the evenings once he had put Noah to bed. It was always a five-minute conversation about general things, but I knew the real purpose was to show me he wasn’t turning back into a jackass. I appreciated the effort—I knew how difficult it must have been for him to juggle work and fatherhood.
In order to help him, I had done some research during my lunch break and put together a list of babysitters in the area that came with credentials and stellar reputations. I had sent it to him earlier this morning, hoping he would be able to find someone he liked and trusted, or more importantly, someone Noah liked.
It was almost eight o’clock, so it had been an unusually long workday. Because Jake was not in office as much, I had a little more on my plate than usual. I had even sat in on a few meetings on his behalf when he’d had to cancel at the last minute. I didn’t mind working overtime, especially knowing that it allowed Jake some breathing room to take care of Noah.
I removed my jacket, went into my room, and changed into sweatpants and a comfortable t-shirt. I realized as I walked back into my living room that doubled as the kitchen, that I missed Jake. I missed Noah, too. I wanted to call and say hello to both of them, but then I thought better of it. I didn’t want to overstep my bounds, and I didn’t want Noah to start thinking of me as anything other than his babysitter…at least right now.
Even as the thought crossed my mind, I wondered what was possible for my future with Jake. Did I even have a future with Jake? I felt a sinking feeling in my gut as I realized that I could never really have a future with him as long as my secret stood between us. How could I expect him to look past the fact that I’d kept this massive piece of information from him?
Suddenly deflated, I decided to eat something and turn in early. I had just put some macaroni on the stove to boil when I heard my phone ring. Hoping that it was Jake, I jumped to answer it, but then I saw my mother’s name on the screen.
“Fuck,” I sighed underneath my breath.