"It was just really hard that no one wanted to remember the real Sienna. My sister was more than some peppy go-getter, you know? She had ups and downs just like everyone. It was like watching a real 3D person turn into a 2D photograph right in front of me," I tried to explain.
"Oh, speaking of photos, you need to go online and check out the pics of me at the art show. There's this one where I swear I look just like the guy from that movie you like. You know, the cool one with the suit and sunglasses?"
"Trent! I'm talking about my sister's funeral."
"I know, I know, sweetie. I get it. I'm just trying to lighten the mood. When are you coming back to campus?" he asked.
"I don't know. My parents want me to stay another day or two, but-"
Trent interrupted, "Sounds good. I mean, you need family time and all that. Come over right when you get here, okay? Miss you!"
I listened to the dial tone and resisted the urge to throw my phone against the wall. Trent was right, though. I needed to lighten my mood, and staying with my parents one more day was not going to help.
I packed my bags before breakfast. My father was the only one downstairs; my mother's bedroom door was shut tight again.
"Would it be okay if I headed back to campus soon?" I asked my father.
"That's a good idea. You probably have a lot of catching up to do," he said. He was packing his briefcase to head back to work. He missed my head and kissed the air as he walked to the garage door.
#
I got to my dorm room just before lunch. Darla had already left for class and I was glad for a moment alone. As soon as I had driven onto campus, I was flooded with memories of Sienna. I had to take a detour just to avoid seeing her dormitory.
I threw my overnight bag on the bed and opened it. Instead of carefully putting everything away, I decided to just dump it into my laundry basket. I had only been on campus 20 minutes, but I was already itching to get back in the car.
There were messages written all over the whiteboard on our door. Notes were taped along the doorframe. Inside, Darla had carefully arranged a wild display of cheap flowers purchased at the bookstore. It looked like half of the campus had decided to leave me condolences. I hated to think what Sienna's door looked like, and vowed not to go there.
Instead, I started to think about leaving campus altogether. Sienna was the only one that had kept me on track. Even my college advisor had started suggesting I look at other majors. Without my sister driving me, there was no way I was going to earn my degree in nursing. I did not have the heart for it.
Sienna was going to be the heart surgeon, I thought. Had I somehow imagined I would be a nurse in the same hospital? What had I been thinking?
It had all been decided for me. I remembered the conversations over my college applications. I had said very little. I loved the sound of UCLA, and at the time, it had not mattered what got me here. Now, all I could think about was getting out.
The sickly sweet smell of the carnations and daisies made me nauseated. The few cards that I could see all talked about Sienna like she was a perfect angel. Am I so wrong for wanting to remember my sister the way she actually was?
I still had time to make it to class, but the whole rest of the day stretched out before me like a minefield of memories. I would look for Sienna everywhere. She had helped pick out the quilt on my bed. She had given me my desk organizer. Sienna always waved to me before gross anatomy. The memories froze my blood faster than seeing a real ghost and drove me from my room.
"Quinn! I didn't expect to see you back so soon."
I stopped short of running my lab partner over. Her smile wobbled at the wild look in my eyes, but she caught me in a hug anyway.
"Yeah, I think I came back too fast. I mean, I'm just here to get some more of my stuff," I said.
She brushed back her curly hair and blinked wet eyes at me. "I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. Darla thought about taking down all the notes, but she finally decided it was a good memorial for everyone."
"No, she's right. It’s wonderful." I made sure to look anywhere but the door covered in condolences. "How's class?"
"I've got all the notes for you and I asked a few of the students that film his lectures to send you links. I think you can catch up, no problem."
I put a hand against the wall and wondered if I was going to retch. "Sounds good."
"No, no, it doesn't. Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry," she said. "You know there is a school policy that lets students take a semester off. Family tragedy is a completely understandable reason for needing the time."
"No, it’s fine. I'll be back soon. Thanks so much for keeping me up to date," I said. The idea of all the make-up work was overwhelming, but I managed a smile for my lab partner. "Are you doing okay on your own or did they assign you a new partner?"
"A new partner. Remember the guy with the glasses that I kind of had a crush on? So really, it’s no problem," she smiled.
I was glad for the change of topic. "He's a friend of Trent's. We'll have to try a double date sometime."