I was lying facedown on the massage table, naked underneath the sheet, while the masseuse kneaded my lower back muscles. It felt good, but in an abstract way, almost like it was happening to someone else. And I was remembering that time I’d had my annual appointment with Cole, how long ago that seemed, how mortified I’d been, yet how there had been an element to it that had been exciting, exhilarating. And then how our relationship had progressed, how just knowing he was right there next door was both a comfort and a thrill, how losing my virginity to him had just seemed like the right thing to do. Like he was the reason that I had waited so long.
I didn’t even realize that I was crying until the masseuse said to me, “It’s okay, it happens sometimes. We store emotional trauma in our muscles, so when we get our body worked on like this, sometimes it brings things up.” She laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed; then went back to the massage.
My face was in the face cradle, so I just managed the slightest of nods. I didn’t want to be crying, but the whole thing just seemed so sad. I had been in love, and it didn’t work out—but who knew that it would feel like this? Who knew that another person could cause someone so much pain?
The thing was, I couldn’t even be mad at Cole. It wasn’t like he had done something—he hadn’t cheated on me, he hadn’t lied to me, he hadn’t abused me in any way, shape, or form. But his absence felt like an injury I would never recover from. Even as the masseuse gently kneaded my muscles, trying to release the stress and apparently whatever emotional traumas I had been storing, even with all of that happening, I just had the feeling I would never be the same again.
After we were finished at the spa, my mother wanted to go to a café, so we went and got coffee. I already felt jittery, so I ordered an iced decaf latte instead, and I sipped on it slowly while we sat at an outside table, under the awning.
“Now, didn’t we have a nice day out?” my mother asked.
“Yes,” I said, wanting to be careful not to make it sound like I was being ungrateful. I tried to smile. “The massage was nice.”
“Oh, tell me about it.” She rolled her shoulders back and leaned her head to one side, then the other. “I just feel so limber now. It really just melts the stress away.”
My shoulders did feel slightly less tense.
“So, are you planning to stay over tonight? We could go to this nice little trattoria for dinner...”
“I should probably drive back soon,” I said. “I think I’ll probably leave in a little while.”
“I’m glad we were able to get out of the house then today. I would’ve hated it if the whole time you were here, you just stayed in bed.”
“And I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. I just feel like the whole thing isn’t fair,” I said. “I know that sounds immature and that I should just get over it, but what was the point in waiting this long to lose my virginity if the guy I lose it to is just going to dump me not long after that?”
My mother sighed. “It’s noble that you waited as long as you did,” she said. “Romantic, even. But you can’t let it mean something more than it does. Most girls your age have had sex by now. Very few people only sleep with one person. Meaning, for the majority of us, we sleep with a whole bunch of people before we finally find the right person to settle down with.”
“I know that,” I said. “But it still feels shitty.”
“It won’t forever; I can promise you that. Sometimes that’s the only thing that you have to hold onto—the knowledge that it’s not always going to feel this way forever. Even if it seems that way.”
When we were done with our coffees, we went back to the house so I could get my stuff. My mother walked me out to the car and gave me a long hug.
“At least text me when you get back so I know that you made it home safely,” my mother said.
“I will. And thank you for letting me come down here.”
“Of course! Whenever you feel like you need to get away for a little while, just give me a call, okay? I mean that.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I gave her one last hug and then got into my car.
As I drove, though, I didn’t feel much better than I had when I’d been driving down there. It had been silly to think that just having some distance between us would somehow make things better, would make it hurt less, because that simply wasn’t the case at all. And suddenly, the idea of living in a small town didn’t seem so great. Even if I were to move out of my current house, chances were good I’d run into him around town. Declan only had another month at the Learning Center, and then he’d be moving on to kindergarten, so I wasn’t too worried about seeing him at work, but if I stayed in Chapin, it seemed inevitable that we would see each other.
But it seemed sad to think of leaving both the house and the town that I’d actually become quite fond of.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I turned down the road and saw that Cole’s car wasn’t in the driveway.
That relief was short-lived, though, because as I was getting my bag out of the back seat, his car turned
down the road, and there was no way I was going to be able to avoid seeing him.
I took a deep breath even though it felt like my insides were quaking. Just be normal. This repeated over and over in my head as I extracted my bag from the car, slung it over my shoulder, and walked toward the front door. Too late did I realize that I’d left my purse in the car, with my keys, and the front door was locked. I raised a hand to wave, trying to seem nonchalant. I wasn’t actually looking at Cole, more in the general direction of the car, so I wasn’t totally sure if and when he had waved back or not. But the window in the back seat was down, and I could hear Declan yelling my name.
Cole turned into his driveway and parked the car, and Declan was scrambling out probably before he even had the keys out of the ignition. I had started to walk back to my own car to retrieve the keys.
“Miss Allie!” Declan said, and he ran over to my driveway. “Where have you been? I was wondering where you were, and I kept asking my dad, but he didn’t know!”
He stood there, hands on hips, looking at me expectantly. “I’m sorry,” I said, all the while aware that Cole had gotten out of the car but hadn’t come over. I could tell that he wasn’t sure whether he should or not, and he was kind of lingering by the car, glancing our direction. “I went down to see my mom,” I said. “I stayed down there for a little while.”