“I love you, Mom,” I said. “I better get going; I’ve got another patient to see in a few minutes. I’ll see you guys on Sunday, okay?”
“Okay, sweetie,” she said. “I love you, too.”
I got off the phone and then leaned forward, putting my arms on my desk, then resting my forehead on top of my arms.
That evening, after Declan had a bath and I got him to bed, I went into my bedroom and opened the closet. It was a walk-in closet, with a shelf running along one of the walls, about eye level. Toward the back was a shoe box with things like my birth certificate, my passport, and a life insurance policy. I took the box down and opened it. Inside, underneath all my own personal belongings, was a folded piece of notebook paper. I took it out and unfolded it, the creases soft, the paper starting to yellow. My sister’s loopy handwriting in blue ink still seemed just as bright as it had been the day I’d found the note next to her already-cooling body.
I just don’t want to live anymore. I know that’s not the right thing
to say, the right way to feel, but it’s the truth. I’ve caused other
people so much pain, and I’m so tired. I hope you can forgive me
and not blame yourselves because there is nothing anyone could
say that would change my mind. All I ever wanted was to be happy,
but for some reason, despite all the privilege I was born into,
I am unable to feeling anything but this overwhelming sadness.
I forgive you, Cole, for what you did—
I stopped reading. The letter continued for several more lines, and sometimes I was able to make it to the end, sometimes I was only able to read the first couple of words.
I forgive you, Cole.
As if she knew I’d be the one to find her.
What she probably did not realize, though, was that I would take that letter and slip it into my pocket and never speak to anyone about it. Everything that had already been going on with Marissa had really taken its toll on my mother. Well, both my parents, but especially my mother. She had cultivated such a truly wonderful upbringing for the two of us, that something happening like this just would not be something she could cope with. Especially not my sister choosing to take her own life. My mother would take that personally.
Keeping such a secret was hard. The decision had been made; there was no walking it back now. There had been a window of time after I had found Marissa that I could have come forward with the note, could have let my parents know the truth about what had happened, but that window had closed, and now, this was just one more secret I had to keep.
I considered it a fair trade, though. I wasn’t supposed to know that my mother was on antidepressants—she had never told me—but my father had let me in on it. Yet, even the best antidepressants could not always keep the sadness at bay, and that was very much the case for my mother.
I put the letter away. Perhaps someday I would throw it away—was there really a point in keeping it?
I went downstairs and was standing at the sink, washing dishes, when I heard a knock at the door. I turned the water off and went to answer it, expecting it to
be Ben. Allie stood there, a small bouquet of yellow and white flowers in her hands.
“Hey,” she said. “I know it’s late, but I wanted to drop these by.”
“Come on in,” I said, stepping back so she could come in.
She handed me the flowers. “These are for you. I know that today must be hard, and that flowers aren’t going to make it any easier, but... I guess I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you.”
“That’s really sweet of you,” I said. “Thank you.”
I found a vase for the flowers and filled it with water and put them in. There was a tightness in my throat, and for a second, I thought that I was going to actually cry. But I took a deep breath and felt that ache in my throat ease.
“I’m not going to stay long,” Allie said. “I just wanted to give you those.”
But she took a step closer to me, and I went over to her, my arms going around her waist, pulling her toward me. She hugged me, and I closed my eyes and let out a long exhale. I felt exhausted, frankly, and though there was that part of me that was very much sexually attracted to her, right now, just standing there, her arms around me, felt as good as anything I could remember. I don’t know how long we stood there like that, but it was a while. When we finally pulled back, she had a slight smile on her face.
“I’m going to go,” she said. “I don’t want to, but I’m going to.”
“Then I’d at least like to do this before you do so.” And I leaned down and kissed her, lightly, once on the lips. She kissed me back, and though it didn’t involve any tongue like it had the first time, it was just as nice, and I knew that even though it wasn’t going to happen tonight, soon, soon we would sleep together.