“Why don’t we go to the store instead? I bet Nana and Kylie are dying to see me again.” His eyes begged for my compliance.
“Sorry, buddy. They are busy and hoped to do things on their own. We can’t disturb them.” I got up and walked over, ruffling his hair a little. “So, no on the fishing, cause I’d really love some sunshine and time with my favorite superhero on the planet?”
“Okay to the fishing.” He nodded and walked to his dresser; his shoulders rolled, his little head down a little. Fuck me for messing things up with Kylie.
*
“I love this place!” Vinc
e ran off to the dock right after I parked the car, his mood picking up fast now that we were at the lake. He was all gleeful and vibrant, his old self finally returning. I hoped I could keep his mood uplifted. His smile was just the best thing I could live for in the middle of my darkness.
I got out of the car and carried our fishing equipment and picnic basket, walking behind him languidly.
As I walked toward the dock, memories flashed back before me. I could still recall in vivid detail the first time we came to the lake with Kylie. Bright, beautiful, and blissful. Something just like her.
Shaking my head to eradicate the thought, I stopped beside Vince. His feet were dangling from the dock as he watched the clear water below him. I could see some of the fish swimming just below the surface, which helped my mood significantly.
Vince took his fishing rod and put the bait on the hook by himself. I offered him help, but he was persistent to do it alone. “I’m all grown up now, Daddy. Plus, I want to try it myself.”
“All right, Vince. Have at it, but be careful.” I knelt beside him and watched, a little surprised at how good he was at picking up new skills.
He prepared his fishing equipment alone. After he had thrown the bait into the water, he waited in patience for some fish to bite. He was swinging his feet, keeping his eye on the rod.
“Daddy,” he called out to me, but his eyes were fixated on his rod. “I miss Kylie a lot. My heart gets real little and hurts so bad when I think about her.”
I dropped my fishing rod, surprised by Vince’s words. I knew he missed her, but it was the first time he spoke about his feelings so plainly. I watched as his face remained expressionless as he drifted off.
I missed her too. My heart had been aching for days. My bed felt so empty without her. The house was lonely, as if a puzzle piece had been lost from the ensemble. She was the bright sun that gave light to our lives. Now she’d gone and it was entirely my fault.
I answered him with a regretful voice, saddened by how things between us turned out. “I miss her too, buddy.”
He glanced over at me, his eyes holding too much wisdom for his age. “Did she leave us like Mom did?”
Pain like I’d never felt rolled through me, scorching my insides. “Vince, your mom died in childbirth. I told you that.”
“I know, but her dying is the same as her leaving. She went to the clouds. She left us.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper. “Did Kylie leave us too?”
“No, son. She’s—”
Just as I started to speak, the line on Vince’s fishing rod began to pull down. He turned the reel while the rod shook. I jumped up and came to his aid, pulling the stick upwards as he rotated the reel. In a few moments of struggle, we successfully caught a big fish. Another trout.
“That’s a Superman fish, Daddy!” he exclaimed in delight, watching as I unhooked the fish from the end. His eyes were lit up, his face happy and content. The expression I hoped for him to keep was drawn on his face.
“Yeah! Great job, buddy!” I raised my hand for a high five. He slapped his hand on mine, giving me an energized clap.
His questions died down after that, and we agreed to concentrate on filling up our cooler with fish, which meant being quiet and watching for any movement in the line. It was a great way to save me from having to dive any deeper into my heartache.
The day went by fast. We caught ten more fish, the day a huge success by my standards. I carried the heavy ice box filled with fish and put it in the car’s trunk while my son brought the fishing rods. After we had packed up, the two of us got inside the car. We drove home exhausted but having had a great day together.
Vince was seated at my side, a big grin drawn on his face. “Dad, I wish Kylie was with us. If she just saw how I caught a lot of fish from the lake, she would be very proud. She would then cook the fish I caught when we reached home. I could hear her tell me again and again how funny you were every time you turn your fishing rod’s reel. She would laugh until her tummy hurts. She would hug us tight and tell us how happy she was to have us in her life.” I looked at him, his eyes sad. “Can we see her again, please, Dad? Pretty please?”
It was something I overlooked the entire trip. Despite the joy on his face, something deep inside of him was empty as well. His eyes were sad, mirroring how much he missed visiting the convenience store. He missed seeing Nana and the time they shared reading books. Most of all, he missed Kylie.
I couldn’t keep Vince from Kylie, even if she didn’t want to see me. Maybe she’d still want to see him. I needed to apologize, but I couldn’t. My pride wouldn’t let me, no matter how much it hurt me to hang onto it.
“We’ll see her soon, buddy,” I answered him with firm conviction. This time, I would not disappoint him. This time, I was telling him a promise I would keep. This time, I would make it right. Somehow.
Chapter Thirty-Four