“I suppose it depends on your perspective,” I said. “And my perspective is that sex is a big deal. And it should mean something…even if it’s with a stranger.”
Missy was silent for a moment. “Okay, fine…you don’t have to sleep with anyone. But you can dance, right? Dancing doesn’t have to mean anything?”
I sighed. “I guess not.”
“Good, then come on,” she said, as she grabbed my hand and pulled me along. “We’re heading to the dance floor.”
The floor was crowded, but not unpleasantly so. I stayed close to Missy and followed her as she made her way to the center of the floor. I noticed that she stopped just next to the blond guy that Mike had pointed out for me. I decided to ignore it and just dance, but my heart wasn’t in it.
After a few minutes, the blond turned to me. He had a nice face and was reasonably gentlemanly as he came up to me and started dancing. When he reached for my hand, I gave in, and for a few short seconds, I managed not to think about Chance. Then I looked up directly at his face, and all my willpower crumbled away.
I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes and I knew it was only seconds before I broke down in front of everybody. His hands kept reaching for me, in an attempt to pull me closer, but every time he tried, my skin crawled. It wasn’t personal. It had nothing to do with him. It was about Chance and me.
I backed away from him suddenly. His face contorted into confusion, but I didn’t stay long enough to give him an explanation. Instead, I wove through the dancing crowd, knocking several people along the way, and ran straight for the doors. Once I was out in the cool night air, away from the crowd and the music, I felt the relief of knowing that I could break down in peace now.
As the tears started falling, I realized there was someone at my back. For a moment, I was terrified it would be Jason, but when I turned, I saw that it was only Missy. She saw my tears, and her face fell into sympathy.
“Oh, Nat,” she said, as she came forward and hugged me. “I’m sorry… I only wanted to give you a break from all that thinking you were doing by yourself.”
“I know,” I sobbed, against her shoulder. “But… I think it’s too soon. For now… I just need to be sad.”
“I know,” she said, patting me comfortingly on the back. “I’m sorry. You were right before. Sex should mean something. And for all my talk… I haven’t actually slept with too many guys.”
“Sleeping with some random guy isn’t going to make me feel any better about Chance,” I pointed out.
“I know.” She nodded. “Nothing can really do that. I suppose sex is sometimes a numbing agent. But it doesn’t really provide a permanent fix.”
“No,” I agreed. “I’m just struggling… I’ve never been through a breakup before, and I certainly haven’t ever been in love before.”
“That’s why it’s so hard, Nat,” Missy said. “Maybe you need closure.”
“How do you propose I get that?”
“Talk to Chance,” she advised. “Ask him to explain – really explain what happened, what went wrong between the two of you.”
“He already told me.”
“That he got bored?” she asked. “That he couldn’t feel the passion anymore? Do you really buy that excuse?”
“I have to,” I said. “It’s the only explanation he left me with. And anyway…”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me,” she insisted.
I shrugged, trying to mask my pain behind it. “It never made sense for someone like him to be interested in someone like me.”
“That’s your insecurity talking.”
“Or maybe I’m just right?” I suggested. “Maybe it’s to accept some hard truths.”
“I don’t believe that for a second,” she said hotly. “And neither should you.”
I didn’t bother arguing with Missy. The reasons behind our breakup were secondary to me. What mattered was that Chance, and I were no longer together, and I needed to find a way to make my peace with that decision.
Chapter Thirty-Four