“Sorry,” I muttered and looked down at my plate.
I had chosen to take Natalie to a romantic French bistro. It was probably a stupid move to take her somewhere so perfect, but it was my pathetic attempt to soften the blow. I was also being selfish. I wanted to have a few moments with Natalie before I needed to tell her. I wanted to remember Paris and the dinner we had on the Seine. I wanted to savor that feeling of being whole…before I broke myself apart.
Natalie reached out and placed her hand on mine. I resisted the urge to remove my hand immediately. Instead, I looked up at her.
“Are you okay?” she asked gently.
“Sure.”
“You seem distracted.”
“I suppose I am a little… Distracted, I mean,” I said, deciding it was better to just admit to that.
She smiled a little, and I noticed that she didn’t seem nervous or concerned about that. Instead, she squeezed my hand. “This restaurant is lovely,” she said. “Thank you for bringing me here.”
“Oh, no problem.”
I saw her brow furrow a little. She knew I was not being myself, but I also knew she didn’t want to address it. I wondered why, but I decided not to over think. This night was going to be difficult enough without wondering what was on Natalie’s mind.
“I dreamt about Paris again last night,” she said.
“Oh yeah?” I said, trying to look disinterested.
“Yeah.” She nodded, and her face lit up instantly. It was nearly impossible to look away from that kind of uninhibited beauty. “We were walking through the Louvre at first, and we came up to the Mona Lisa, except there was no crowd this time. It was just you and I…and Mona Lisa. Do you remember what you said to me when we finally saw her?”
“Yes,” I nodded shortly.
“You said you’d rather have a framed picture of me than her,” she said, and then she blushed. “It was the nicest compliment I’ve ever received.”
I was about to tell her that she put the Mona Lisa to shame, but I stopped myself at the last minute. Handing her compliments before I broke up with her would not be believable. I just picked at the chicken on my plate, wondering how I was going to finish the whole meal when I had absolutely no appetite.
“I miss Paris,” she continued.
“It’s a beautiful city.” I nodded.
“It was even more beautiful to me because I was with you,” Natalie said. “From now on, it’s forever going to be our place…our country.”
“You should love Paris for Paris,” I said, and I made an effort to make my tone cold. “Not for me.”
I saw a flash of uncertainty in her eyes, but they cleared in the next second. “I can’t separate you from Paris now.”
“Try.”
Natalie paused again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said, somewhat impatiently.
There were a few minutes of silence, in which I refused to look at her. I thought perhaps she might have started to get upset, but when I dared to glance up at her, her expression was soft and tender.
She whispered something that sounded like, “You’re nervous,” under her breath.
“What?”
“I was thinking…maybe we could invite Sophie, Tony, and Tommy for lunch one weekend?” Natalie suggested. “We’re always going to their place; it’ll be a nice change to have them over. What do you think?”
I cleared my throat to buy some time. I hated having to hurt her. I hated myself for agreeing to do this but most of all; I hated Jason for making me do it.
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” I said.