He stepped back a good foot, opening a chasm between us. I looked up to see a strangled look on his face. The man had some serious self-control.
“I’ve missed you,” he breathed out.
I nodded, still trying to recover from the kiss that never happened. I knew it was the right thing, but I couldn’t help but feeling as if I had lost something.
“I’m glad to be back,” I muttered.
“How was your trip home?”
We were standing there in the dark, just chatting, as if we hadn’t almost crossed a line. His body was stiff as he stayed put. It was as if an invisible line had been drawn. Neither of us could cross it. Both of our bodies were straining to get closer, but the line kept us apart.
“It was good. I enjoyed myself a lot more than I thought I would,” I said, excited to tell him about my trip.
He smiled. Not the same toe-curling smile, but a genuine smile nonetheless. “That is really good to hear. I hope you managed to get some rest?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I did actually. Thank you for that.”
He shrugged the words away. “Did you go see your sister?” he asked, in a quiet, tentative voice.
“Yes, I did. My mom and I spent several hours at the cemetery. We cleaned up her plot and put in some new flowers. It was actually a really nice time. When we were finished, we went to Talia’s favorite restaurant and stuffed our faces with the best, unhealthiest food in the world.” I grinned.
He laughed. “It sucks that the unhealthy food tastes the best. It’s all some horrible joke played on us humans by the universe.”
I laughed. “Yes, it is. I’ve decided to give myself some more free passes to eat that horrible food. I’m going to have to visit your diner again soon. I still have dreams about that French toast,” I joked.
It was then I realized I was actually laughing, enjoying myself and had just told him about my time at the cemetery. In the past, the mere mention of Talia’s name or the fact she was dead would send me into a crying jag. I couldn’t believe I had glossed right over it. It was as easy to talk about as the diner and what we ate. Did this mean I was finally getting through the grief?
“You okay?” he asked with concern.
I nodded. “Yeah, I was thinking about how easy it was to talk about my visit to Talia’s grave. I didn’t cry for once,” I said, with a smile.
He nodded. “Good. Sometimes you will. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m telling you, grief is a bitch. It is sneaky and will attack you when you least expect it.”
I smiled, appreciating his words of wisdom. “What did you do this weekend?” I asked, not wanting to make the conversation all about me.
He smirked. “I went to a barbecue with my brother.”
“Uh-oh. It didn’t go well?” I asked, noticing the pained look on his face.
“I think it could have gone better, but it wasn’t terrible. It’s been a long time since I sat around in someone’s backyard, drinking beer
and making small talk,” he explained.
“You did know the people, right?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah. I’ve known most of them for twenty years or more, but, well, after the accident, I stopped hanging out with them. People change. Or maybe they stayed the same, and I changed,” he said with a sigh. “I don’t know that I’ll ever enjoy those things again.”
I looked at him, feeling bad for his predicament. “Did you enjoy them before?”
At first, I thought he was going to say no, but he surprised me. “I did, but it was mostly because Miriam was there. She was the social butterfly, buzzing about each group, chatting and bringing me in. Granted, they were my friends, but they all seemed to like her. I guess it’s all a part of growing up.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, not sure what he was trying to say.
“Like I said, they were my friends. I spent a lot of time with those guys before Miriam and I hooked—got married. They all got married, and we were no longer a bunch of guys drinking beer and talking about cars and fishing,” he explained. “We were married guys talking about projects around the house and very little fishing.”
I started to see what he was saying. He had transitioned into the next stage of life, the marriage chapter, with Miriam by his side. Now that she was gone, he was back in the pre-marriage stage, and all of his friends were still moving forward. He didn’t have the wife buffer.
“I get it. I’m sorry. That had to be rough, but I’m thinking it will get easier once you get into the swing of things. Not all of your friends can be married. You said your brother wasn’t, right?”