“So, go say hi.”
“No! He’ll think I’m stalking him. He already busted me staring. No more looking at him,” I ordered, focusing on my drink and trying to ignore the handsome professor. He had seen me. Our eyes had met for a split second before I looked away. It was only slightly humiliating.
Maria kept the conversation going. We ate, drank, and chatted for hours on the small patio. It had been a long time since I had allowed myself to enjoy life. I didn’t completely forget about the pain that I knew would always be there, but it wasn’t the center of attention. It was a dull throb that I had accepted as a part of who I was. Acceptance made it possible for me to enjoy moments like these.
“You ready to head home?” Maria asked.
I nodded, looked at the empty glass in front of me and realized it was going to be an Uber night.
“I’ll drive,” Maria said, extending her hand, silently asking for my keys.
“Where’s your car?” I asked.
“I left it at work.”
I looked at her, studying her face. “You planned to get me drunk.”
Maria laughed. “I promise, I have no intentions of taking advantage of you, but yes, I wanted you to come out and kick your heels up a little. You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy yourself.”
I smiled. “I had a lot of fun. Thank you for being so patient with me.”
I stood, handing my keys over. We walked out of the restaurant together. I looked at the table the professor had vacated a while ago and hoped he’d ha
d a good time as well.
Maria pulled into the driveway of their small house. I sighed. It was time to tackle that homework I’d been putting off. I would be up late. The moment I stepped into the house, everything changed. Talia stared at me from her place on the mantle, and an overwhelming sense of guilt slammed into me. How dare I go out and have fun when my baby sister was dead?
“Don’t, Tessa,” Maria said quietly behind me. “You’re alive. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying yourself.”
I released a heavy sigh. “I know. I shouldn’t, but I do.”
Maria stepped in front of me. “You can’t change what happened. Talia wouldn’t want you to be miserable. She would walk in here and kick your ass if she knew what you’ve been putting yourself through.”
That pulled a small smile from my lips. “Yes, she would. Okay, I need to get busy, or I won’t sleep at all. Thanks again, Maria. It was fun, and I did enjoy myself.”
“Good. Now, leave it at that and don’t get caught up in a bunch of guilt. Life is good. Honor those that aren’t here by making the most of it. You have to live for them as much as yourself,” Maria said.
The words sank in. I knew she was right and I wanted to believe them, but sometimes, it was hard. Really hard. My mind drifted back to Professor Dunlap. How had he managed to get through the past four years? The grief he felt would be ten times what I was going through. It was then I realized that was one of the reasons I was drawn to him. He was strong. It was a quiet strength, but it was there, just below the surface.
I pulled out the quizzes for his class and quickly graded them before moving on to my other homework. It was after midnight before I finally got to crawl into bed. I laid there, staring at the dark ceiling, willing sleep to come. It wasn’t long before the tears started to fall. I was crying for my loss and for his.
After giving myself the needed release, I rolled to my side and fell asleep. Sleep was elusive. It wasn’t long before I woke myself up, sobbing. It was a regular occurrence. No matter how good I felt or how much I believed I was putting the worst of it behind me, there were these sneak attacks of profound sadness. They struck at night when I was all alone.
Sitting up in bed, I hugged my knees to my chest and rested my cheek on them. Would it ever get better? Did the professor still have nights like this? I had been told countless times that time would lessen the pain, but how much time? How long did I have to wait?
I mulled over the idea of talking to the professor about his own coping skills. Did he have some secret for moving on and pushing through? My mind drifted back to dinner tonight. I hadn’t been able to stop watching him. He seemed so—normal. Drinking beer, throwing his head back and laughing on occasion and talking, like really talking to another person. It was a side of him I hadn’t expected to see.
Watching him enjoy himself had made me happy. I liked it and wanted to see him like that again. Maria was right; he was a nine. Why I hadn’t seen it before was anybody’s guess, but he was hot. Thinking about the sexy professor helped push away the sadness. I was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. It was a first time I’d actually been excited for a new day in a very long time.
Chapter Seven
Ian
I glanced over and saw Tessa packing up her things. She hadn’t been in my first class, which I knew she wasn’t scheduled to be, but it left a gaping hole in the room. She brought in light and joy. When she had sailed through the door for the second class, I felt like a flower opening up to the sun. I was drawn to her and wanted to hover around her, to be in her presence.
“Hi,” she said when she noticed me watching her pack up. “Did you need something else?”
I inhaled, drawing in strength and courage. “Is now a good time?”