“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” I asked.
“All right,” he said sadly.
I hung up the phone before he could say anything more. As the screen of my cell touched down on the coffee table, I burst into tears, pulling my knees to my chest and sobbing into my hands. That was the hardest thing I had ever done, and I hoped to God it was the right choice. I had just let go of the man I loved and the family I wanted the most.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Ryan
A week had passed since the Fourth of July, and I still couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on. Christina wanted to come back, Kayla was ecstatic that she was still around, and Alissa had completely removed herself from my life. I missed Alissa, a lot, but I knew that until I knew for sure what I wanted to do about the situation, bringing her into it was a mistake. I had hurt her enough through all of this, and I couldn’t even start to imagine what she was feeling like, being the woman on the other end of things.
Still, I had to keep my guilt in check and understand that I was trying to make a choice based on what was best, not necessarily what I wanted the most. I hadn’t allowed Christina to move back in yet. I wasn’t ready for that. She pressed the issue a little, but I told her again and again that I hadn’t made up my mind yet, and that moving her in woul
d give Kayla a false sense of hope. She had already damaged our daughter enough. I wasn’t going to let my choices do that any further. What if she moved in, got back into Kayla’s life, and then decided she was wrong and ended up running for the hills again? There was no way that I could put Kayla back through that again. This time, there would be no Alissa waiting in the wings, and I didn’t blame her in the least.
In an attempt to see how this would work out if Christina did come back, I planned a bunch of family outings, letting her know this was about Kayla, not about us. It would be an interesting day, considering I had asked Christina to accompany us to a baseball game. I didn’t just choose that spot because Kayla and I loved baseball so much. I chose that spot to see how Christina would react to it. She wasn’t being forced to go anywhere, but I did expect for her to put on a brave face and act like she cared and was happy to be there, despite the fact that I knew she absolutely hated baseball and everything about it.
It was easy for her to go on outings she enjoyed, but I wasn’t worried about how she acted when she was happy. I was worried about how she acted when she was put into a situation that wasn’t all about her and what she liked. I wasn’t trying to please Christina or court her in any way. I was trying to really understand why she just showed up out of nowhere and decided she wanted to come home. As much as I wanted to believe her, I had a hard time swallowing the “I just needed to get me straight” card that she was pitching to me. I knew that a baseball game in the hot mid-July sun was the perfect way to see how she handled uncomfortable and stressful situations. I wasn’t willing to just take the same old Christina back into our lives.
She didn’t start the day off very well. When I asked her to come with us, she groaned slightly before begrudgingly agreeing to go. I chuckled to myself, knowing that she was feeling tortured. Poor Christina, being forced to go to a baseball game where we could all have a really good time and be there for each other. This alone had already put me in a bad mood, and when she arrived, I could tell she wasn’t comfortable in the least. She started off on the wrong foot by wearing heels and a dress, which baffled me, since she knew we would be climbing rows of stairs. Her hair and makeup were pristine as always, something I used to find attractive, but after realizing the pure beauty of Alissa, it felt like too much. She was trying really hard to get my attention when she needed to be focused on the attention of her daughter. I rolled my eyes and shook my head as she strutted through the front door like a supermodel, making her entrance on the runway. I could tell she noticed my reaction and toned down the dramatics of it just a bit.
Kayla came down wearing her jeans, home team T-shirt, Chuck Taylors, and carrying the baseball doll that Alissa had gotten her for her birthday. Just seeing the doll made my chest ache, but I took in a deep breath and pushed past it, not wanting Kayla to notice. Christina asked Kayla about the doll, and she proudly told her that Alissa got it for her. I could see the irritation and suspicion on Christina’s face, but I didn’t give two shits about how she felt about it. We were divorced, and I was living my life.
When we got to the ball field, Kayla was off the wall with excitement. She jumped around, waiting for us to get out of the car, holding her doll close to her chest. She loved ball games so much, and I was really excited to be there with her. Christina kept a pleasant look on her face but struggled slightly walking across the gravel parking area in her heels. I stifled my laugh, not trying to provoke her. I was enjoying her misery, but I wasn’t trying to be a complete asshole.
During the game, Kayla was yelling, clapping, and following along with the game. Christina, on the other hand, looked absolutely miserable and slightly annoyed by the screaming fans, splashing beer, and constant buzzing of some sort of insect. She turned her nose up at the opportunity to have a beer and hot dog and settled on a soft pretzel that she picked at as if I had handed her a slab of raw meat. Up until then, I hadn’t really seen the snotty Christina poke her head out too often, but I could tell she was still in there and bursting to get out. I glanced down at Kayla to make sure she wasn’t noticing and then directed her attention to the mascot coming on the field, glancing over with irritation at Christina. She sighed and put the pretzel down, forcing a smile when Kayla turned excitedly toward her to point out the antics on the field. I was starting to get a bit irritated with her personality, but I was going to let her do her thing.
“You okay?” I asked, trying to be nice. “You are acting really standoffish.”
“I’m fine,” she said, taking in a deep breath. “I’m just not a big fan of baseball games. You know that. I’m not really sure why you chose this for bonding purposes.”
“It’s time that you realized the world doesn’t revolve around you and that your daughter actually has her own interests,” I said shortly before turning back to the game.
“I am very aware that Kayla has her own interests,” she replied calmly. “You do remember that although I’ve missed a lot this last year, I did raise the girl from when she was a baby?”
“Then realize that she is going to be her own person, and you either sacrifice your preconceived notions and try to enjoy these things or be pushed out little by little,” I said. “She won’t always be 8 and just happy to have you around.”
I was getting irritated with her inability to relax and enjoy the game. Immediately, I looked over at her seat and realized she was sitting where Alissa sat the first time I brought her to the game. Alissa was so cute with her cheering and excitement, and I regretted the fact that I hadn’t had the chance to bring her and Kayla together to the ball field. They would have had a blast, dancing with the mascots and yelling at the referees. I knew there was no way that Christina was ever going to get to that point with baseball, and the best I could hope for is that eventually, she would relax enough to stay pleasant during the games. All she was doing this time was strutting her stuff and soaking in all the men’s attention around us when she got up and walked around in her heels.
I took a deep breath and sat back in my chair, deciding that I needed to stop trying so hard to control the situation. It was going to be what it was going to be, no matter how hard I tried to protect Kayla. She was going to get hurt at some point, but I was trying to make it so it was the least impactful as possible. I wanted Kayla to have her beautiful childhood and not lose that happiness she had just gained back weeks before. I watched as Kayla tried to talk to Christina, pointing out different things and really trying to involve her in the game. Kayla knew her mother was not a big fan of the game, and it meant a lot to her that she would even come out with us to watch. Christina looked incredibly uncomfortable, almost like Kayla wasn’t even her daughter. She was short, perfunctory, and everything she did lacked emotion. I could see the forced smile on her face as Kayla called out to the ref for a bad call.
It concerned me that Christina was struggling to treat her daughter as if she were her own. It came naturally to me, and in the past, I thought it came naturally to Christina, but I may have been completely wrong about that. She looked like a very nicely dressed robot, responding with short bursts, head nods, and fake grins, her shoulders tensing every time Kayla would lean over and hug her tightly. It didn’t look like Kayla noticed, but it definitely was visible to everyone else, especially me. I tried to work the situation out in my head, trying to understand that Christina had just spent over a year away from her daughter. It couldn’t be easy just jumping right back into the old routine. It was amazing how much difference a year made in the life of a child, and Kayla was almost a different person than she was when Christina left. I think she was expecting that 5-year-old child that was just happy to be clinging to her mom and playing at the park.
The family rhythm was definitely an adjustment, especially since I had completely changed our lives to a more sensible and manageable lifestyle, not full of the glitz and glamour that Christina had come to be accustomed to. We had picnics, watched movies, and ate dinner together at the table with no cell phones or computers. Kayla and I went to ball games and play areas, and we didn’t care about what other people thought of us. It was like Christina had walked into a completely different world after being with Dale, and I knew that had to have some kind of adjustment period.
I was trying to be sensitive to that notion, but at the same time, I had to remind myself that none of this would be an issue if she hadn’t run off and left us for the last year and a half. She wouldn’t have to feel out of sorts with her own daughter. This struggle she was having was all self-inflicted, and although I would try to make it easier for Kayla’s benefit, it was really hard to feel bad for Christina at all. From the looks of it, too, she hadn’t even noticed that it was all up to her to prove to me she was really in this for Kayla. Instead, she looked bewildered and off-kilter, and it was starting to give me pause.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alissa
It felt really good to be back at my mother’s house with the smell of food cooking in the kitchen and her perfume wafting through the halls. It had been two weeks since Christina had come back, and I hadn’t talked to Ryan at all since the conversation about him trying for Kayla’s sake. Every day, I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I didn’t. Coming to see my mom was a good distraction. We were sitting in the living room, talking and drinking wine like we usually did. Bella had been having some issues with morning sickness, so she had sat this one out, deciding it was safer if she stayed at home hugging her trash can and cursing her husband’s part in her pregnancy. Bella was definitely not enjoying her newfound body like she thought she would.
I watched as Mom slipped through the pages of a photo album she had put together from their trip around the world. There were so many different places, and the photos spanned across multiple continents. I had to admit that I was pretty jealous of their trip and reminded myself that I would get there one day. Beyond just the beautiful scenery, I was incredibly taken aback by how happy she looked in every single one of her pictures. I could tell she was more than in love and more than ecstatic to be with my new stepfather, and it filled my heart with warmth knowing that kind of love was still out there, and it was possible. My mother was old school about relationships like me, and it took her a bit to open up to the idea of someone other than my father, but once she let herself go, she became this amazingly happy and easygoing woman that I remembered from my childhood.
“We really did have so much fun,” she said, shaking her head and smiling at the pictures. “Oh, and look there. That monkey was stalking me the entire time I was walking down the beach. It was hilarious, and o
ur tour guide made sure to throw him some extra treats for enchanting me.”