“Yes!” I squeal, half in laughter, half in horror. “You’re making this so much worse than I thought it was going to be. I am not kissing you. Next time you walk a date to the door, just put out your hand and give a good, solid handshake. I’ll tell you what: I’ll help you practice that. Everyone needs to know how to give a good handshake.”
“Leila…”
“Seriously, it’s not just good for dates, but it’s good for business.”
I hold out my hand, and when he doesn’t grab it, I place his hand into mine and give it one good shake.
“See?” I ask. “Good pressure, only one up and down motion, and release. That’s a good handshake.”
“I shake hands with the best of them,” he says. “I think we both know that.”
“Watch the movie.”
“Leila!”
“Watch the movie!”
He crosses his arms and starts grumbling.
He’s actually sitting there grumbling.
“If I kiss you on your terms, will you shut up and drop the whole thing from here until the end of time?” I ask.
“Yes!”
I sigh and fold my arms.
“Does that mean you’re going to do it?” he asks.
“I don’t know. Can you keep your mouth shut before and after?”
“Of course,” he says. “This is great, Leila, you’re such a—”
“What did I just ask?”
“Oh, right,” he says. “So how do we do this?”
“You really are bad at this,” I tease.
“Shut up,” he says. “I mean, do we stand or do we sit? I’m assuming we’re not going to be rolling around on your bed or anything?”
I can actually feel the reflection of my death stare coming off of Mike’s face.
“That’s a no. Why don’t we just do it here,” he says.
“Don’t say that,” I tell him, covering my ears.
“Don’t say what?”
“Don’t say ‘do it,’ it makes me feel like flies are laying eggs in the back of my throat.”
“Now that’s a good visual for me to start with, kissing you,” he says.
“Shut up, Mike,” I tell him.
“What’s the ruling on hands?” he asks. “Like, where do I—”
“Nowhere near my body,” I tell him. “In fact, you should probably have them behind your back.”