“I’m sorry your mom is gone. I can’t even imagine it. My mom is like my best friend.”
“You know, people always say that to me and I never really thought anything about it until I met your mother. That night at your house made me miss my own mother horribly.”
“Is that why you left?”
“No, I just had an overwhelming urge to move forward. I can’t really describe it. Maybe it was our argument, or the emotions of the night. I’m not sure. I hope you don’t think it was because of you.”
“Oh, yeah, I totally thought it was because of me.”
“Really? Shit, I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. I’ve seen you so happy this week and I figured it was probably for the best. Maybe we could be friends when you get out. I always need more friends in my life.”
Erik was quiet as we both watched the New Year’s Eve show for a little bit. He seemed like he had something he wanted to say, but then whenever he started to talk, he would close his mouth again and stop.
For a good thirty minutes, I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he would turn toward me like he was going to say something and then he would turn away. He never decided to actually say whatever it was that he had been holding onto, though.
“Watching the New York ball drop was always one of my favorite things to do as a child. I loved how thousands of people got to stand right in the middle of the city and celebrate a fresh start to a new year of their lives. I also really liked to watch the cameras as they would pan around the crowd after midnight and show all the couples kissing. It seemed so romantic to me,” I said.
“It does seem pretty romantic.”
“Except that it’s so cold there this year. I don’t know if I could stand outside for four hours waiting for that ball to drop. I’d probably rather just get one of those fancy hotel rooms and sit in there naked and watch it.”
“Cassidy!” one of the patients said as he made a dramatic shocked face.
“What? You can’t tell me you’d want to be all dressed up if you were in one of those fancy hotel rooms,” I joked.
“I know I’d be going all natural,” Erik added.
“Thank you. At least someone’s on my side.”
“Oh, it’s getting ready to start. Can I call my husband, please?” Brianna asked.
“Of course.”
Brianna darted over to the nurses’ station and dialed her home phone number as she pulled the phone as close as she could toward the television. She missed her husband and children terribly; I saw it on her face every day. Brianna had also tried to call her family almost nightly as her husband worked hard to take care of their three daughters.
“It’s starting, honey; I wanted to at least be together on the phone when the new year happens.”
Technically, the New Year for us wouldn’t start for another two hours, but it was a symbolic time, so none of us really cared that we were ahead.
“Ten, nine, eight,” we all counted down in unison with the celebrity hosts of the show. “Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year!” we yelled as we hit our plastic cups filled with apple juice together.
“Happy New Year, darling,” Brianna said to her husband.
“Happy New Year,” I said as I walked past Brianna. “Happy New Year,” I continued to say to each person as I made my way around the room and did a little toast with every patient.
As soon as our celebration was over, the patients trickled to their rooms to get some rest. No one was used to staying up so late and certainly didn’t feel like staying up the extra two hours for the actual New Years in Aspen.
Being in treatment was exhausting; I remembered that feeling very clearly. Not only were you getting up early and going to groups, but you were constantly thinking and analyzing everything in your life. The emotional exhaustion of being in treatment far outweighed the physical exhaustion and led to patients needing more and more sleep as their treatment progressed.
Even though patients started to feel physically better from withdrawals and their body learning to eat normal meals, sleep, and exercise, the mental exhaustion could really do a number on some. I remembered having a patient who literally slept from right after dinner until breakfast every day. She had participated in all her programming, but was just so exhausted at the end of the day, she couldn’t keep her eyes open.
When everyone else had gone off to bed, I sat with Erik on the couch as we watched the New Year’s party out of Denver. It certainly wasn’t anything even close to New York’s. But it was something to keep on in the background and gave us an excuse to sit and talk some more.
“I applied to nursing school,” I said to Erik as we sat there. “I’m not sure it’s really what I want to do. But I figure I won’t know that for sure until I give it a try. So, anyways, I decided to give it a try.”
I felt like I was babbling a bit, but I felt a little uncomfortable with Erik and I being alone.