When my mom finally left the living room with my father behind her, I couldn’t hold the laughter in any longer and burst out. It was so fun to have Erik there with me. Growing up as an only child I often didn’t realize what my family did differently than others around Christmas. I could still remember very clearly the year I had questioned my mother when she talked about Santa Claus. I soon learned that Santa was real because if he wasn’t, that meant I didn’t get presents.
“You better believe in Santa or you’re going to be in trouble.” I giggled.
“I’m sorry I fell asleep during the movie. I think that panic attack totally wiped me out. I’m exhausted.”
He apologized. Now how am I supposed to stay mad at him? I couldn’t; I had to let it go. I had experienced a few panic attacks when I was going through treatment and even for a few months afterward. They were exhausting. My body would get all tensed up, and then when I finally calmed down, all I wanted to do was sleep.
A lot of people ended up taking anti-anxiety medication to deal with their panic attacks, but I always believed it would be best for me to learn how to calm myself down. I didn’t want to rely on medication to get my body back in control. I had already spent so long using alcohol as my own personal anti-anxiety liquid. As much as possible, I avoided all medications. I didn’t even take Tylenol unless I really couldn’t stand my headache.
“It’s okay. I’m sure you’ll sleep well.”
“Cassidy, I really did have a great time tonight. It might not have seemed like it, but this is as close to a family Christmas I’ve had in a very long time. It was great.”
“Here you go, some blankets and sheets for you,” my mother said as she handed a very large stack of items to Erik. “Hopefully, you won’t get too cold.”
“I know; the weather here is freezing compared to San Francisco. I can’t wait to get home and jump in my nice warm pool.”
My eyes got larger than I thought physically possible as Erik spoke and totally blew his cover. He hadn’t remembered the story I told my mother, at all. He wasn’t supposed to be from California; he was supposed to be from New York. He certainly wasn’t supposed to have enough money for a home and a pool, otherwise why would he need a bed to sleep on for the night?
It took my mother a moment to register what was going on, and I saw the flash of recognition as it hit her. She held herself together very nicely and simply requested that I come and talk with her in five minutes.
I hated when she did that. Five minutes was her rule because she wanted to calm down and talk to my father before she yelled at me. Even though I was clearly an adult, I still felt like a naughty teenage now that I was caught in a lie.
“I’m sorry,” Erik winced.
“You had one lie to keep straight. Come on, man. I know you’ve had to tell worse lies to the ladies you slept with when you were smashed.”
My voice was judgmental and rude, but I couldn’t stop myself. He wasn’t thinking at all. Erik hadn’t even tried to keep the story straight. It was my life he was messing up now, and I didn’t like that he seemed so nonchalant about my life. I had taken him in as a favor so he wouldn’t have to spend the holiday alone. I couldn’t believe he had forgotten the one story he was supposed to remember.
“I said I was sorry.”
“Really, is this what you’re like all the time? Don’t put any effort in at all and then apologize? Why not actually put
an effort out there?”
“What are you talking about? It was an accident. I said I was sorry.”
“And at treatment? You didn’t even start going to groups regularly until a couple of days ago. Before that when you could be bothered to go to group, you sat quietly and hardly participated.”
“How do you know how much I went to group? You got scared and hid from me on the other unit. Plus, you’re not in my groups, so what do you know?”
“I need to go deal with my mother. This was clearly a bad idea. I’ll have my parents take you back tomorrow,” I said and stormed away.
About halfway down the hall, I started to cry. I didn’t mean to be so horrible to him. I had expected his visit to go so well, and instead, it was a disaster. My mother and father were going to be crazy angry with me. Erik probably thought I was a psycho girl. And now, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack.
I hated when things didn’t go as I planned. It was like I put every bit of effort into something and in one swift motion, it was all wiped out. Even before I had a drinking problem, I always had a problem with being in control.
Hiding it was what I normally did. I could mask my controlling personality by being excessively nice to patients. There was something about being at work that I could adjust better to. But when things got out of control, like they did on the night Brianna had her seizure, then I felt like I couldn’t contain myself.
Slowly, I opened the door to my parents’ bedroom and faced the inevitable. My parents were good people. They had put up with a lot over the years, and they did handle things very well. My biggest issue was that I just hated to disappoint them. The look in my father’s eyes was the worst when I did something that he thought was wrong.
“Cassidy, is that boy a patient from your work?” my father asked me.
There was no way I could lie to him. For some reason, lying about the story originally seemed perfectly okay, but lying when I had been found out was not all right. I had to just tell him the truth – there was no other option.
“Yes.”
“Cassidy!” my mother exclaimed.