eally needed to knock it off. This place wasn’t about me or my feelings – it was about people getting better. I took a couple deep breaths and decided to still go and help Jarrod with group for the day.
Showing up late to a group session was worse than not going at all, at least as a patient it had been. So, as I walked into the group room, I kept my head down and went right to the empty seat in the back of the room by the supplies we were going to be using for the project that day.
No one even seemed to notice I had arrived, which was a relief. It was sometimes a hard transition for me from patient to staff member. I was probably the youngest person at Paradise Peak who had a history of addiction. Plus, my addiction and treatment weren’t all that long ago, so everything felt fresh for me still.
“Erik, it’s nice to have you with us again today. Why don’t you start by telling us what you hope to get out of this exercise?”
My ears perked up as I heard his name and I couldn’t help but smile that he had actually showed up. Although, it didn’t feel as much like a victory as I thought it would.
Whatever he decided to do with himself after he left the facility was all his business, but while he was in our care, I really wanted to push him to make the most of it. There was no reason for a patient to spend thousands of dollars if they weren’t going to participate in the program. It was a waste.
“I’m going to make a collage of things my mother loved. Thinking of her makes me happy and sad, so I’m not sure what all I’ll put on there.”
“Great, I look forward to seeing it.”
“Kimber, what will your collage be about?”
“My boyfriend, Rob, and our relationship. My parents don’t like him. They think he’s just using me for my money. But I know our love is pure.”
“Why do your parents think he’s using you?” Jarrod asked.
“Because he’s unemployed and old. They don’t understand what I see in him. But I see love. He loves me. It wouldn’t matter if I was poor, I know he loves me.”
Even Kimber didn’t sound convinced by her own words. I know I wasn’t convinced the guy was a stand up, decent fella. He sounded like a douchebag to me. What kind of middle aged guy didn’t have a job and was still able to land a rich twenty-one-year-old woman? I imagined he must have been pretty easy on the eyes, at least.
“Okay, I look forward to seeing it,” Jarrod said.
I could see that Jarrod was visibly trying to hold back his own opinion on Kimber’s relationship. Jarrod was a damn good counselor. He didn’t tell people what to do, instead he guided them to finding their own solutions to the questions they had in their minds. Sometimes watching Jarrod work made me think that I wanted to be a counselor instead of a nurse, but Kaitlin always talked me out of that option because of the pay difference.
Nurses made close to thirty dollars per hour, while the therapists made much less. I certainly wasn’t interested in the job because of the salary alone, but both nurses and therapists were positions I wanted to explore.
“Let’s head back to the tables over there. You’ll find lots of magazines, scissors, and glue for you to make your collage with.”
I stood up as everyone made their way to the table. I expected that Erik would have sat as far away from me as possible, but instead he sat across from me as he started his project. He didn’t seem to be angry at me at all, which was very surprising to me considering how I had just acted toward him in his room.
“So, this is you helping teach the group?” he said with that grin I had seen before.
“Hey, it’s better than nothing. I’m helping with the fun part.”
“I’m not sure it is,” he joked and then went back to work.
I didn’t distract him, or anyone else. Instead, I went around the table and looked at the collages of their life. It was a fun little exercise and filled with meaning.
If I had made a collage, it would have certainly been my parents all over it. They were the greatest people on earth. I had been such an annoying teenager and then just pure trouble when I became an adult. I was grateful they had stuck it out with me and hadn’t given up home all together.
Sobriety was damn hard for me. I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if I didn’t have my parents to help me. After I got out of treatment, I didn’t have a job, or money, and I could barely keep my body moving forward each day. My mom would make me breakfast and my dad would talk to me about my day. It was those little things that really helped me day in and day out.
I continued to look around at everyone’s projects. There were enlightening and showed so much about who each person was. It was very interesting to see who they chose to do their collages on and the pictures they assigned to their loved ones.
Kimber had pictures of men all over her collage, as well as expensive shoes and jewelry. It was clear that she valued material things and men a lot. I couldn’t help but think that would have been my collage back when I went through treatment.
As I walked around the table, I learned so much about each of the patients.
Stan had a beautiful display of everything music on his collage. He had drums, violins, singers, and concert venues. He had been a drummer for so many years; his happiness was tied to it. But his drumming career was over and he was left to try and make some sort of meaningful life and that had been when he started to struggle.
When I walked behind Erik, I took a look at his collage and felt like I was peeking into his soul. Colorful, vibrant pictures of mothers with their children were all over. He had playgrounds, pizza parlors, family dinners, and people laughing.
I couldn’t help but smile as I looked at his collage. It was clear that he had a mother who loved him, but it also seemed clear that she was no longer alive. I saw angels and clouds across the top of his page. I felt for him and the loss he must feel. I couldn’t imagine living without my mother; she was truly one of my best friends.