“I think she thought you had died or something.” He laughed.
“Yeah, I guess working out isn’t really my thing.”
“What is your thing?” he ventured to ask.
It was a simple enough question, but I didn’t have an answer for him. I really didn’t know what my thing was. I had spent the last few years worrying about my sobriety and nothing else. I was looking at going back to college to be a nurse, but I wasn’t even that sure about that. For so long my life had been a minute by minute game that I hadn’t bothered to plan for my future very well.
“I don’t know.”
“Me either.”
“Well, at least you have a family who loves you and money to take care of you. That’s something, right?” I said.
“I don’t have a family who loves me. I don’t have anyone.”
His response hit me hard, but I continued to walk up the mountain. How could someone with money like his not have a family who loved him? I supposed his family could just support him and not really offer emotional support. I felt bad for implying what I had, and we continued up the mountain in silence.
Both of us huffed and puffed our way up to where the rest of the group was resting near the top of the mountain. It felt like a pretty big accomplishment that I hadn’t quit and instead had continued hiking. The old me would have certainly quit; I liked the new me much better. Climbing and hiking were never going to be something I loved to do, but I really did like it on that day.
“Nice of you two to join us,” Melanie said. “Here’s some water. Rest and catch your breath. We are going to the top.”
Erik and I both looked at each other as our eyes enlarged and we looked at the 100-foot hike that would lead us right to the peak. It wasn’t all that far of a hike, but the incline was very steep and it would require climbing up and over rocks. I didn’t feel comfortable at all that I could manage the climb without causing myself or someone else some major injuries.
“It’s okay, I’ll wait for you guys here,” Er
ik said as if he had totally taken the words right out of my mouth.
“No,” Melanie said.
“Um, I’ll wait with him. That’s pretty steep and I’m exhausted.”
“No,” she said again.
I looked at her and was about to unload a whole lot of attitude when Brad came over and sat next to me and Erik. He didn’t look nearly as exhausted as the two of us did. For an ex-boy band member, he was in surprisingly good shape. Probably all that touring and dancing he use to do, or running around after his young girlfriends.
“I’ll stay back also,” Brad said.
“Me, too,” Kimber added.
That was when I started to feel bad. I looked at Melanie and I saw the total disappointment in her eyes. By saying I didn’t want to climb to the top, I had basically given everyone else permission to quit. That wasn’t at all the message Melanie, or I, wanted to teach people who were going through treatment.
“Actually, I think I will do it,” I said as I gathered up some superhuman energy. “I’d really like to see this thing through. I mean, I got my butt up this far.”
“It’s a pretty amazing view up there. I’m glad you’re seeing it through to the end.”
Melanie was younger than me, but she looked at me with a proud mother’s eyes as I gingerly followed her and Stan toward the rocky climb that would finish up our hike. I did let Melanie and Stan go first, purely because I knew it was going to take me a while to actually navigate the rocks and pull my butt up to the top.
“Are you going or do I need to grab your ass and push you up there?” Erik asked from behind me.
“Don’t you dare touch my ass,” I replied and shot him a stern look, and then a smile.
I was happy that he had decided to join the final hike to the top, and sure enough, both Brad and Kimber stood up behind him. Peer pressure could do both good and bad things, and in that moment, it had pushed everyone not to give up and to finish our hike to the top of the mountain.
There wasn’t any more talking as we all navigated the rocks and concentrated on getting up to the top. Even though there were others around us supporting us, the work had to be done alone. It wasn’t a dangerous climb, but the rocks were steep and I had to go slowly or I would have slipped.
Suddenly, the metaphor that Melanie had used was totally in focus for me. This hike was truly like what treatment was like. We could have a great support system around us, but in the end, it was our own actions that would bring us to the top of the mountain. And as I pushed myself up that final step and stood at the top of the mountain looking out at the amazing views, I was a total mess. Tears flowed down my face and I used my parka to wipe them away, hoping that no one else had seen my blubbering.
“It’s pretty powerful, isn’t it,” Melanie said as she gave me a hug.