“I told you I’m not meeting with this girl,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, yeah,” Larry nodded impatiently. “That’s why I gotta meet her tomorrow to get the money first before I meet you, don’t I?”
“And there’s no way you can get the money from her today?” I asked.
“I don’t know… I can ask… but this chick is pretty headstrong, man,” Larry said. “That’s how I know she’s gonna be a tiger in bed.”
“Spare me,” I said impatiently. “Fine… whenever you’re ready with the money, give me a call, ok? The sooner, the better.”
“Geez, what’s the fucking rush?” Larry asked.
“I told you… I’m done with this fucking life,” I said. “I’m done pushing drugs. I want to get clean.”
“What about money?”
“I’ve got a real job now,” I replied.
“Well la de da,” Larry said.
I responded by hanging up on him. I took a deep breath and looked towards my bedroom door. It was early, but I was pretty sure that Zoey was up. If her night had been anything like mine, she hadn’t slept a wink either. There had been several points during the night when I had wanted to go and talk to her. I felt as though if we just talked it all out, we could begin to heal our relationship. But she had asked me not to follow her, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she had meant it. I needed to respect that and leave her alone.
I surmised what had happened the night before. Seth and her mother had dropped in unannounced, and an innocent conversation had probably led to my unmasking. It was nothing more than bad luck combined with bad timing, and I knew this had been a disaster of my own making, but I was still hoping that Zoey could be persuaded to see things from my perspective.
I needed to make her understand how sorry I was and I ready I was to put this life behind me. I thought about the last bit of pot in my closet, and I wondered if I should tell Zoey about that too. She had no idea I was still dealing… neither did Seth. A part of me knew that I needed to tell her, but it was a small, faint voice in my head encouraging me to do it. The louder, more convincing voice in my head was telling me that there was no need to let her know about something that would be over and done with the moment I made the last transaction with Larry.
I took a deep breath, opened my door and headed towards the kitchen where I could hear soft movement. I found Zoey sitting at the kitchen table with a strong cup of coffee in hand. I could smell it from here. She turned her face towards me the moment I entered, and I saw that her eyes were puffy from crying. My heart melted, and I immediately regretted causing her pain.
“Zoey,” I said softly, sitting down next to her.
I didn’t want to touch her too prematurely; I knew she might need her space. She didn’t make eye cont
act with me. Instead, she was looking down at her coffee mug with deep concentration.
“Zoey… please look at me.”
She didn’t even flinch at the sound of my voice. “I know I screwed up,” I said, launching into the speech I had rehearsed a thousand times over in my head. “I lied to you, and I kept parts of myself from you, but those were the parts of myself that I was deeply ashamed of. Those were the parts of myself that I was in the process of changing. I just I wanted to tell you so many times but… I was so scared I would lose you that I convinced myself that the only option was to wait until I could show you the man I had become.
“I wanted to find a good job and sell some of my art and finish my community service. I wanted to prove to you that when I said I was on a different path, I really meant it.”
“That’s why you didn’t want to meet Seth,” Zoey said, in a low voice. “You knew he would rat you out.”
“I just wanted to wait until I had told you the truth—”
“And when was that going to be?” Zoey asked. “Because as far as I can tell, you had gotten a good job and you had finished your community service. So what else were you waiting for?”
I froze in place. I was waiting to unload my last supply of pot. That was what I should have told her. I should have explained why I went back to dealing in the first place and why I felt it was my only option. I should have told her that I was done after this last deal and that was what I was waiting for before I told her the truth. But somehow, I couldn’t quite form the words. Because she was looking at me like she had given up on me already, and I didn’t want to give her more reasons to feel like she was making the right choice by leaving.
“I was going to tell you the last night,” I said, and that much at least was true. “That’s why I told you we needed to talk.”
Zoey sighed and shook her head. “I can’t believe you kept all this from me.”
“I know… I should have told you the truth from the beginning—”
“Did you think I would scare so easily?” she demanded suddenly.
I hesitated. “I…”
“That’s what you thought… didn’t you?” Zoey asked. “You thought that the moment I heard you were doing community service for pushing drugs, I would run?”