I thought about everything going on in my life right now, and I let out an involuntary sigh. Seth watched me carefully, and he gave me a reassuring smile.
“I know it’s hard,” he said. “Your life’s done a one-eighty. It’s an adjustment period.”
Obviously, he was talking about my sentence and the community service, but all I could think of was Zoey. “It’s just hard staying afloat,” I admitted. “I’m trying to find a good job, but no one’s willing to hire me. I’m forced to tell them about the community service because my work hours need to be flexible in order to accommodate it… it’s sort of a catch twenty-two.”
“Hey, I understand,” Seth nodded. “I have a hard time too sometimes. My family… we didn’t grow up with much money, and we had to work hard for everything we ever got. This can’t be easy for you. But think of the end game. There’s someone out there who will hire you, and once you get your foot in the door, things will get easier. Selling pot was only ever a short-term option.”
I felt a spasm of guilt as I sat there across from Seth. He was trying to look out for me and give me good advice, and I was just sitting there nodding along when in truth I hadn’t stuck it out at all. I had caved the moment I panicked and gone back to dealing. I tried to justify my actions. I had rent to keep, and I had to work on my art. That was the whole reason I did anything. I wished I had the guts to come clean with Seth… but I knew he would be obligated to report me.
“Thank you, Seth,” I said. “For all your help and for not… tearing into me like the other guys do.”
“The other guys are not all bad,” Seth said, defending them immediately. “They’re all good guys, they really are. It’s just that they don’t have much of a tolerance for certain types of behavior.”
“They’re nice to you,” I pointed out. “Despite the fact that you used to do drugs.”
“You think they were always nice to me?” Seth asked, with a smirk. “Please… they ragged on me too when they found out. It was just that the circumstances were a little different.”
“How so?”
“I’d already established friendships with all of them before they found out,” Seth explained. “And we work side by side on a
daily basis. There’s a brotherhood that forms when you do the kind of work we do together. You’re this outsider who came to the station because he was forced to. And let’s face it, Devlin… you have an attitude about it.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You act like you don’t belong there.”
“I don’t,” I said vehemently.
“I mean that you act as though you feel you don’t deserve community service in the first place. You act as though you were treated unfairly. You act as though you are the victim in all this.”
“I…”
I trailed off as I tried to see things from Seth’s perspective. Is that how they saw me then? Is that why they disliked me so much?
“It’s not that,” I said, trying to explain myself. “I just… my work… my art means a lot to me. That’s the whole reason I started selling pot. It was so that I could support my work. My parents cut me off the moment I decided to go to arts school.”
“Fuck really?” Seth asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I guess I do feel sorry for myself every now and again… but I know that I deserve what I got. In fact, I know how lucky I am that six months of community service is all I got. I just… sometimes it’s hard to always feel lucky when you can barely make rent, and your dream of being an artist is slowly dying in front of your eyes.”
Seth smiled. “Are all artists so dramatic?”
I laughed. “Fuck… I think so.”
Seth laughed with me. “Listen, man; I’m not denying things will be hard for a while… but acting like you’re above your punishment is never a very good way to show that you’ve learned from your mistakes.”
I thought about the pot in my cupboard, and my guilt doubled tenfold. I knew I shouldn’t have gone there, but I had been desperate.
“Listen, I’ll look around for you and see if I can hook you up with a good job, ok?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “You would do that?”
“Of course,” Seth nodded. “If you’re willing to try, then I’m willing to help.”
“I’d really appreciate that,” I said fervently.
If I could get a decent job, then I could stop dealing once and for all. This would be just a minor bump in the road, and I wouldn’t have to feel too guilty about it. At least… I hoped that would be the case. I tried to look on the brighter side of things. Zoey and I were friends now… it wasn’t like her decision to move out would mean the end of our relationship.