I nodded, turned on the radio. I wasn’t going to give her hell about how much I’d needed to hear her voice the night before, how scared I’d been. She didn’t deserve guilt from me, and my hurt feelings were my problem.
“You have to know if I’d known Laura was sick I would’ve called back. I would’ve answered.”
“I thought you were asleep,” I said.
She didn’t answer me. She was staring out the window. I’d felt closer to her at a barbecue dishing up potato salad than I did sitting in the cab of my truck with her, married to her right then. It hurt and felt hollow at the same time.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you last night,” she said.
“I missed you,” I admitted. “It was pretty damn scary. My mom’s crying, Brody’s shaking so hard I’m not sure he can even walk a straight line, and I’m just trying to get everybody to calm down when I’m scared shitless too. Seemed like about the worst thing that could happen, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”
“I hope Laura can get some rest. She had to be terrified,” Trixie said, and her hand went to her own stomach as if in sympathy.
“I don’t know I could’ve faced it. I drove Brody to the hospital to be with her, and after I called you, I had to make myself go in the ER. It was cold and noisy there, and it seemed like nothing good could happen in a place like that,” I confided. “I kept thinking, she’s gonna lose the baby. And maybe she won’t make it either. Maybe they can’t get the bleeding stopped in time, you know?” I cleared my throat.
She reached over and took my hand and held it.
“I’m sorry. I’m glad it turned out fine, but that doesn’t make it less horrible that you all went through it. If I’d been there I don’t know what I could’ve done but I wish I’d been there with you.”
“I wanted you there so bad, Trix,” I admitted. “I wanted—this sounds so stupid—I wanted to hold you and feel that you were okay, that you were fine. I don’t know how you and my sister got mixed up in my mind somehow, but I saw what Brody was tryin’ to live through and thought I could never do that. I wouldn’t wanna be in his shoes for all the money in the world.” I shook my head and broke off.
She got quiet then, and let go of my hand. I saw her swipe at her face like she was crying.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re gonna be wishin’ you’d stayed in Savannah,” I said.
“When you start dropping your g’s I always know you’re either turning on the charm or you’re upset,” she said. “You’ve done that since we were kids. Anytime you said darlin’, I think panties fell off clear to the county line.”
“Never knew it was that effective. Darlin’,” I said, trying to lighten the mood, tease her a little. But she looked away.
“Your sister almost had a miscarriage. You needed me and I wasn’t there.”
“You’re allowed to go out of town, Trix. You can have a life and not just babysit me. I didn’t reckon on havin’ a family emergency. You couldn’t have known it’d happen and, like you said, you couldn’t do nothin’ about it if you were here. It was selfish of me to want you there with us, so you could be scared and sad right along with me. I shouldn’t have gone on about it and made you feel bad. What you want for dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” she said.
“You feeling okay?” I asked. She shrugged.
“I’m fine. I’m just tired.”
When we got home, she thanked me for the ride, like I was some friend who did her a favor.
“Good night, Damon,” she said and went, hand to God, into the spare room where she used to sleep and shut the door.
Why did she go to bed at eight o’clock? And why wasn’t she in my bed? I called my mom and checked up on my sister and then turned in early myself to stare at the ceiling and think about every minute we’d been married from the
first night she had me undo that stuck zipper on her dress.
23
Trixie
I got up early, showered and went into the shop. If I stopped and puked in the driveway, that was my problem. I wanted to avoid Damon. I got to work on a saddle arrangement for a funeral and then put together some daisies and sent them on over to Laura’s house with a Get Well Soon card. It didn’t feel like enough to make up for not being there the other night, but I had to do something.
Laying on my side, staring out the window last night I longed to be in Damon’s arms, my back against his chest, his breath warm on my hair. But I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t really his wife. Just some sad, pathetic girl who had a crush on him and needed his good credit score for a loan. He didn’t owe me comfort as well.