The other men nod and make sounds of agreement, and I feel slightly better for the first time tonight.
“Did you say this was the first time you went out with him?” Cade asks. When I nod, he says, “Then what was wrong on your birthday? You left so quickly and it was clear something was bothering you.”
So much for feeling better.
I try to turn away from them, but they have me surrounded. Their presence felt comforting a moment ago, but now I’m once again looking for a hole to crawl into.
Cade reaches for my shoulder, his hand warm and gentle. “What’s the matter, B?”
I make the mistake of looking into his eyes, which are so full of worry and care. He’s my friend. They’re all my friends, here for me when I need them, genuinely concerned about me.
“You can tell us anything, Bianca.” A hand rubs my back, Ryder’s, I think.
I drop my head and cover my eyes with my hands, but I start to speak, wanting to get it over with, tired of having a shameful secret. “When we were on the beach the other day, when Logan had me on his back for the race, I … something very strange happened.”
The men are quiet. Cade slowly soothes his hand up and down my arm.
The rest comes out in a rush. “I … I had an orgasm during the race. I’m a virgin and I’m a freak. Then I went out on the date tonight, trying to make a change in my life, and I couldn’t even handle a simple date. I was so nervous and unsure of myself that I fucked it up.”
Cade immediately pulls me into a hug and I have to fight back tears of shame and embarrassment.
“You are not a freak, Bianca, and you didn’t do anything wrong on your date, either,” Knox says, his voice gentle but firm.
I pull back from Cade, grateful for his comforting embrace, but afraid of staying in his arms too long. “The guy seemed nice, though. Maybe I accidentally gave him some kind of signal or made him think I wanted his tongue in my mouth. Maybe I should have wanted that.”
“Bianca, stop,” Ryder says. “Don’t let this jerk make you doubt yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Not that any of this is pleasant, but I’m glad that our conversation is again focused on my terrible date. No one’s asking any questions about the orgasm incident, though I notice that Logan hasn’t said anything since I shared my secret. I can’t make myself even glance in his direction.
“You just need more experience,” Cade says. “Once you’ve been on more dates and get some … physical experience, you won’t feel awkward and you won’t be questioning yourself.”
“I know, but that’s the whole problem. I have no experience.”
From behind Cade, Knox speaks up. “We can help with that.”
“What?” I look up, startled.
“You’ve got four guy friends here, four non-assholes, who can help you get experience fast. We can take you out on dates so the whole situation will be normal for you, and you won’t need to be nervous in the future.”
“But I already hang out with you. Of course, I’m already comfortable with you. At least I was until that crazy thing happened on my birthday.” I mumble the last part, shame heating my cheeks.
“I’m not talking about hanging out,” Knox explains. “I’m talking about each of us taking you out on dates, individually, so you can gain experience with four different guys.”
“Dating experience?” I take a step backward and lean against the wall, not quite looking at the four of them as I try to envision what Knox is proposing.
Though the brothers share some common traits, their personalities are quite different. Knox is usually quiet and serious; Logan is cocky and playful to a fault; Cade is positive and outgoing, while Ryder is always gentle and caring.
“And some physical experience. If you want.” Knox clears his throat. “I mean, you know you can trust us. We’d never force you to do something you’re not comfortable with, but maybe it would help you if you did some things, and …” Now it’s his turn to get a little red on his cheeks as his voice trails off.
“Yeah,” Ryder jumps in to agree. “It doesn’t have to be a huge deal. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on it all.”
I nod. “I definitely am. But I feel like I’m way behind, and men aren’t going to want to date me if I don’t know what I’m doing.”
I finally risk a glance at Logan, and he looks angry again. Is he still thinking about what I told them about my date tonight, or isn’t he up for what Knox proposed?
“I appreciate the offer,” I tell Knox, “but don’t you think these dates could make things weird between us? You’re my friends and I don’t want anything to change that.”