“That’s interesting,” she says. “What was Ethan doing upstairs without his pants?”
“Would you shut up?” I growl.
“Can I eat my cereal in front of the TV?” Lilly asks.
“Why don’t you go to the basement?” Shay says. She’s grinning, but I suspect Lilly isn’t the source of her amusement. “Just promise you won’t spill on the sofa, or your daddy will make me pay to have it cleaned.”
“Yes!” Lilly says. “I promise!”
My eyes go wide as I remember why the child shouldn’t eat her breakfast in the living room.
Shay winks at me. “I told Lilly you must have been doing laundry, and that’s why there were clothes everywhere.”
My face is on fire and I put my hand over it. “Oh my God . . .”
She laughs and shakes her head before holding up her hands. “I’m not judging. As far as I’m concerned, you’re the best thing that ever happened to that grumpy man. If it would make him happy, I’d take her once a week so you two could do your thing.”
I shake my head. “There’s no thing. We don’t have a thing.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She pours herself a cup of coffee. “We’ve been worried about him for a long time. Even before Elena died.”
“Don’t worry about Ethan. He wouldn’t want you to. He’s a good dad.”
“I don’t doubt that for a minute,” she says. “But he’s been different. The whole thing with Elena changed him. I think it would change anybody, but . . .” She puts down her coffee and gives me a sad smile. “I thought he’d buried part of himself with Elena, but I was wrong. I see that part again when he’s with you.”
If that were true, would he have been so panicked waking up beside me this morning? I shake my head. “Don’t do that. Don’t see things that aren’t there just because it makes a good story.”
“I already told you, I’m not a writer. I just report on what I observe.”
I rub the back of my neck. “We’re attracted to each other.”
“No kidding.” She fills a mug with coffee and pushes it into my hands. “Everyone who shares a room with you two knows that. But what’s between you isn’t just attraction. He’s been attracted to women since Elena died. You’re different. You bring him to life again.”
I swallow hard and stare at my coffee. It’s not that I don’t like what she’s saying. It’s that I like it too much. “I didn’t come to Jackson Harbor looking for love, Shay. The opposite is true, in fact. I’ve been in one toxic relationship after another since I was sixteen. I’ve cut myself off.”
“What if this one’s not toxic?” Shay asks, but I don’t get the chance to answer, because Ethan comes into the kitchen.
“What if what’s not toxic?”
“Nothing,” I blurt, and I beg Shay with my eyes to stay quiet. I don’t need her playing matchmaker. Not when this is such a mess.
“I think I’ll take my coffee to the basement and see what Lilly’s watching,” Shay says. She winks at me and hustles out of the room.
“Your sister knows we slept together last night.”
“Okay.” He crosses the kitchen. When he stops in front of me, he folds his arms and scans my face. “And why do I feel like you’re about to tell me it was a mistake?”
I swallow hard. “Wasn’t it?”
He shakes his head slowly. “It wasn’t for me, but maybe it was for you.”
You’re my boss. The excuse sits useless on my tongue, and I don’t insult him by using it. We both know that if that really mattered to me or to him, last night wouldn’t have happened. “You’re still in love with your wife,” I finally say. When pain slashes across his face, I almost wish I could take the words back.
“She was my wife. She gave me my daughter. I’ll always love her for that, but I . . .” He cups my face in his big hand. “Fuck, Nic, I’ve been suffocating with grief for three years, and when I touch you, I can breathe again.”
But I can’t breathe when I know I’ve lied to you.
“But maybe this isn’t about me. Are you still in love with your ex-fiancé?”
Am I in love with Marcus? How can I be in love with a man I don’t even know? The man I thought I knew wouldn’t have betrayed me like that. I’m still hurt, but in hindsight, my love for Marcus looks just like my love for every other man I’ve devoted my life to since I was a teenager desperate for something resembling family. Unhealthy and one-sided. The wrong kind of love.
“Is he the reason you’re pulling away from me this morning?”
My eyes go wide. “I’m pulling away? What about you? You’re the one who freaked out when you thought Shay and Lilly were going to find us in bed together.”